Between A Rock and A Hard Place

Well, today I find myself between a rock and a hard place. I'm trying to move forward, but finding it difficult because one of my issues keeps getting in the way. This issue prevents me from making any real friends and/or keeping real friendships. I've already lost so much because of this particular issue, and I'm afraid I have lost once again or at least in the process of losing once again.
So, why am I between a rock and a hard place? Because if I move forward, this issue will get worse, but if I don't move forward this issue may still get worse. One would think that if the issue was going to become worse anyway, then I might as well move forward. But I'm not sure if that is the best course of action. What if the issue becomes more unbearable by moving forward than if I don't move forward? Right now I'm trying to weight my options to determine the best course of action. Either way, I've still lost.

Rollercoasters

I'm going to be honest. I hate rollercoasters! My cousin loves them! Good for her. I didn't inherit the "extreme adventure thrill" gene like she did. And that is fine with me. I avoid rollercoasters at all costs. However, there is a rollercoaster that I get thrown on: the emotional rollercoaster. I hate it! But I have no choice but to ride it. My emotions are all over the place, it seems. Fine one minute only to become depressed the next. And if depression isn't enough, there are times when the anger or just plain irritability sets in. The emotional rollercoaster drives me nuts! It's like what they say about the weather here in Mobile: "If you don't like the weather, just stick around for 5 minutes because it will change." That's me. If you don't like my mood, stick around 5 minutes because it will change.
Right now, I'm doing pretty good. I'm mainly dealing with one of my migraines. But apparently it isn't bad enough to keep me from blogging. :) I'm hoping my emotional rollercoaster slows down some. I need a break, especially during this time of year. With the Christmas season upon us, may we each have a wonderful experience this year. And hopefully our emotional rollercoasters will give us a break for once.

I Am Alive!

Wow! It sure has been awhile since I last posted something. Where does the time go?! Let's see...the last time I posted something, I was just starting out my "40 Days of Healing" journey. I posted past writings during that first week and haven't posted since. I'm really sorry about that. Life got in the way. ;) I finished my "40 Days of Healing" on August 16, 2010. And let me tell you. It was worth it! My life changed drastically for the better. Does that mean, everything goes well 24/7? NO!!! In fact, I'm having a "down" time right now as I write. But even though things get tough, I have a better perspective on things. And my relationship with my Heavenly Father has gotten to a point where I depend on Him. Do I always deal with situations the way He wants? Not always. I'm still human, and I still make mistakes. But He is patient with me and guides me along the way whether I pay attention to Him or not. I hope to blog again on a regular basis. However, this week is Thanksgiving, and next week my husband is on vacation, so I'm not sure how regular I will be for the next two weeks, but I will do my best. I have learned a lot of things since those "40 Days," and I want to share with you what I have learned along my journey these last few months. And God has given me a few more writings that I hope to share with you in the near future.
Life is tough! I know that. And sometimes, life stinks. But we have a God who loves each of us. And He is here with His arms wide open ready to take us under His care and to guide us each step along the way during this really tough journey we call "life". Please travel it with me, and let's learn the lessons of life together.

Giving Up

It's time to let the evil out
It's time to open up the wound
It's time to let the blood run out

Watch the blood
Watch how it moves down the arm
Watch how it forms a puddle on the floor

See the bright color of red
See how it covers everything
See how it stains the room

Observe the site
Observe how hope was lost
Observe the end of a journey

No more pain
No more despair
No more everything

(written sometime btwn 1/23/09 - 1/25/09)

Happiness Gone

Happiness...
Where did you go?
Why did you leave me?
Why are you hiding?
When will you come back?
Are you going to be gone forever?
Did I do something wrong?
Do you hate me?
Are you punishing me?
Is this funny to you?
Are you getting a good laugh?
Do I deserve this betrayal?

Happiness...
You left me a year ago!
I haven't heard from you!
You have betrayed me!
I trusted you!
I thought we would be together forever!
I was wrong!
I was definitely wrong!!!

(written sometime btwn 1/23/09 - 1/25/09)

My Pain

I cry yet no one hears
I cry out still no one hears
No one hears for I cry in my head

No one wants to listen
No one wants to be bothered
It's my pain
Mine alone

Where are they
Where are the people who say they care
I don't see them
I don't hear them

I'm all alone
Alone with my tears
I cry yet no one hears
I cry out still no one hears

I wish someone would hear
Why can't they hear

(written 1/14/09)

Tug-Of-War

I feel the war raging inside me
The war between two sides
Each trying so desperately to win
Each putting the pressure on the other
Which one will win
Which one will lose

Two sides tugging to pull the other into their pit
The pit of life
The pit of death
Which one will win
Which one will lose

Good vs. Evil
Love vs. Hate
Life vs. Death
Which one will win
Which one will lose

Each side fighting so hard
It's tearing me apart
I'm about to be ripped to shreds
I feel like I'm the one who will lose

Two sides at war
Two sides pulling
I'm in the middle
Which one will win
Which one will lose
Me that's who
I'm the one who will lose

(written 1/9/09)

Writings

For this week, I'll be posting writings that I wrote last year when my issues were at a all-time high. These were inspired by my symptoms of BPD. These writings will show you where I've been. I will share them exactly how they were written. For my fellow BPD sufferers, I hope knowing that I deal with the same things you deal with, will help you not to feel alone.

?????

I honestly don't know what I want to talk about today. And without knowing what I want to talk about, I don't have a title...reason for the question marks. Well, I'm on Day 2 of my "40 Days of Healing." It's going well. I'm learning new things...new ways of thinking. I have my outline on "how to love." The main problem I'm dealing with today is panic attacks. Yep, I'm dealing with panic attacks today for some unknown reason. Luckily, they're only minor ones today, but I sense that they want to become major ones. So, I'm trying to keep my mind off of them for now...except while I write this. Maybe I should talk about something else. I wish I knew what I should talk about today. I try to write something each day, but today, I'm just not sure what that will be. I guess I'm rambling now. Sorry about that.

Life is hard! Healing is even harder!! Committment is necessary. So I'm committed to this journey of healing that I've put myself on for these 40 days. What lies before me? I don't really know. Will I actually heal? I don't know that either. And will relationships be able to be restored after these 40 days? Only God knows that. But I can't think about those relationships, and I can't think about those people. I need to be focused on my healing, my husband, my girls, and the One who can heal me. Those are the ones I need to be focused on for now...for these 40 days.

40 Days Of Healing

Today, I started my 40 days of healing. A personal journey of healing between my Heavenly Father and me. Some of you may think this is crazy, and that's your choice. But this is a journey I need to take, and a journey I believe God wants me to take. Why 40 days? I don't know. It's just a number I came up with. During these 40 days, I will be retraining the way I view myself; changing the way I think; viewing myself the way God sees me; and learning how to be loved and how to love. Will there be tough times along the way? I'm sure there will be. There always is, especially when your trying to be positive. For the past two years it seems that whenever I move forward there is always something that kicks me back down. It's the ole "five steps forward and seven steps back." But I'm committed to this particular journey. I will go the distance. And I will allow God to show me what He wants me to see and learn. I need to heal. And I need to heal God's way. And so, with God by my side and His Word before me, I will travel this journey, and see where God takes me.

Ups and Downs

We all have them. Some of us down right hate them - the ups and downs of life. I enjoy my up times. But now, I find myself dealing with the down times. Maybe I shouldn't blog when I'm feeling this way. But what good would that do? If I just write about my up times and never about my down times, then you as my reader would think that I have it all together and then you wouldn't get the full picture. I don't have it all together. I'm far from having it together. I'm trying to find the beauty in my broken pieces, and let me tell you, it's not easy. It's definitely not easy. There are lessons I've learned along this journey, and I'm sure there will be more lessons I learn. And as I learn them, I will share them. So for now, I write while I'm in my down time. It's not so that I can bring you down with me. I write during my down times to let you know that I have them too. We all do. So what do we do during our down times? Well, personally, I would like to just stay in bed and not do anything. For the last few days, making myself get out of bed was a chore, but I did do it. That's a step in the right direction.
I have a lot I'm dealing with. A lot of emotional issues I'm trying to work through. And it's hard...very hard. So how will I deal with it? I do what works for me. I close my eyes and wait to hear from my Lord, my Savior, my Friend. It seems as though He's all I have now. And maybe for now, this is best. I realized something yesterday while writing an email. Without thinking but just writing from my heart, certain words were written down. And those words have been a breakthrough for me. What did I say? What did I write? In that email I wrote, "I honestly don't know how to be loved or how to love." That's where all of my issues start. What a revelation! What a breakthrough! So, where do I go from here? I guess I need to learn how to accept love; how to be loved; and how to love. A new journey is beginning along with the others. Journeys that are painful and difficult. But if I'm going to find true healing, if I'm going to find the beauty in my broken pieces, then I must travel these journeys no matter how painful or how difficult they get.
Some people choose not believe in God. I have to. Because without God, without my Heavenly Father, I won't survive these journeys, and I'll never find the beauty in my broken pieces.

When Life Gives You Lemons

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." I like to say, "When life gives you lemons, throw them back!" Lemons, what good are lemons? Well, you can make lemonade with them. You can even make a lemon pie with them. Some people add lemons to their iced tea. But what about the "lemons" life gives us? What good are they? Can we do something good with those lemons, or do they need to be thrown back?

I've been dealt a blow since coming back from vacation. I've been in an emotional fog for the last few days. I'm trying to make sense out of everything. But I'm having a hard time doing so. "When life gives you lemons, throw them back!" That's what I want to do...throw them all back. In some ways, I've done just that. But it's hard...emotionally hard. I've let a lot of people go. People who really don't want to be bothered with me. And a person who cares, but I've had to let her go for other reasons. That's the hard one. Letting go of a person who actually cares because something gets in the way. Something happens that wasn't suppose to. Letting her go...well, that's the tough one. But I have to for her sake, and for mine. She probably thinks that I'm mad at her. If only that was the problem, then maybe she and I could work through this. What do I do with these lemons? The ones that life has thrown my way? The ones I have to deal with now? What about these lemons? Do I throw them back? or Do I make something out of them? or Do I give them to Someone Who knows better than me?

Therapy?!

Therapy?! Do I really need it? Can I heal without it? Everyone who's interested keeps telling me that I need to go to therapy. Been there...done that; don't really care to do it again. I am a born again Christian. God is my Heavenly Father. I have been asking myself if God is enough. And a couple of people have told me that yes, God is enough! So then, my question is now, if God is enough (or maybe since God is enough), then why do I need therapy? Can't He heal me? Can't He help me deal with all of this junk that I deal with? And what if He chooses not to remove any of my issues?! Does this mean I have to do therapy? What good is therapy if God chooses not to remove any of my issues? Why should I do therapy? It hasn't helped so far. What makes people think that it will eventually help? Oh, but then they say, "Keep looking until you find the right person." Well, you know what?! I've decided not to do therapy. If God IS enough, then He is all I need. And I don't need a therapist to help me through all of this. And so, my journey continues...just me and God...and no one else.

How I Feel

Well, I'm back from vacation. It was nice to get away. Now back to reality. Not fun! I'm not sure what I want to talk about today. So much going on inside. So many thoughts and feelings overwhelming me these last few days. It all seems to get worse instead of better. How do I feel? Honestly, I feel horrible...absolutely horrible. And I really don't feel like talking about it right now. I want to cry, scream, run away, change my identity, and start completely over. And yes, I would like to cut right now. But I won't do any of this. Is God enough? A question I blogged about before, and a question I find myself asking once again. Why do things happen? Why do I feel the way I do? Too many "why" questions with no answers in sight. Oh, I forgot, I'm not suppose to ask "why?" I was once told that the "whys" don't matter. Well, that doesn't stop me from asking. How am I doing? Not good at all. And nothing positive to talk about today. So instead of bringing everyone of my readers down, I think I'll just close this and try again tomorrow.

Vacation Time!

Well, my family and I are on vacation - a much needed vacation. We arrived a few hours ago to our destination. This is the first time today that I've had to sit down and write something. I'm not sure what days I will be able to post something. We plan to go to different places and have fun together as a family. I do know that Tuesday will not have a post. Tuesday is booked solid. But I will post the other days if I have a chance.

I'm looking forward to this week. I believe that God wants me here this week for a reason. Not sure what that reason is. I've given Him my week. I'm gonna let Him lead. I'm going to trust Him. I do hope/pray that during this week, that I will find some closure in some areas and healing in others. Whatever takes place this week, my main prayer is that God will be completely glorified.

Dare To Live

When the voices tell you otherwise - Dare To Live

When life's storms come your way - Dare To Live

When people tear you down instead of build you up - Dare To Live

Dare To Live - Give your heart to Jesus

Dare To Live - Surrender your all to Him

Dare To Live - Allow Jesus to be in control

Dare To Live!


(written 7/13/09)

Little Star

Twinkle twinkle little star
You're one in a zillion
You look so small from here
You must be so far away
God knows all about you
He created you for a reason
Why? You might ask
Only He knows the answer
He has a plan for you
He wants you to shine
You have a purpose
Please don't go away
You are needed
You are special
You were created by God
The Creator of the Universe
What could be better than that


(written 2/15/09)

A Real Meaning To Be Alive

I asked a friend of mine just a few minutes ago to give me a topic to write on today, and this was what she gave me: "A Real Meaning To Be Alive." My first reaction is great, give a person who constantly deals with suicidal ideation, the topic on the real meaning to be alive. But hey, I'm up for the challenge.

I've wanted to die so many times since Feb '08. I can't count how many times I've thought about killing myself. There are others who share in this same struggle. Why should I be alive? Why should I live, when most of the time I prefer to be dead? My pastor told me once, in a heated discussion, because he knew at that moment, I would walk out of his office and kill myself (or at least attempt), "IT'S NOT YOUR CALL!!!" He was telling me that I didn't have (and still don't have) the authority to make that decision. That call, that authority, only belongs to God. God brought me into this world, and only God can take me out. When I am in my right mind and can think clearly, I know that even if I attempt suicide, I will only die if God allows me to. Why should I live? What is the real meaning to being alive? When I am all alone (or at least feel as though I am), should I continue to live? Why? Most people would tell me, "Live for your girls." In fact, everyone who has tried to talk me out of suicide has made the statement(s): "Live for your girls. Think about your girls. Etc" I want to scream, "What about me? Shouldn't I live for me? Aren't I worth something to live just for me? Am I suppose to stay alive just because of my girls? What about me? Can you give me a reason to live other than it being about others?" And as I sit here thinking about all of this, thoughts come to mind.

Why should I stay alive? Why should anyone continue to live? Why shouldn't a person commit suicide? GOD WANTS YOU!!! GOD PLANNED YOU AND WANTS YOU (AND ME)!!! God loves us so much that He gave up His only Son to die a cruel, inhumane death on a cross for you and for me. God wants me! God wants you! God has a special, special plan for each of us. All we need to do is surrender us to Him and allow Him to accomplish His plan for our lives. Sometimes we won't agree with His plan. But God knows best. He's God - HE KNOWS BEST!!! So why do we fight Him? Why do we doubt Him? Why do we hide from Him? If His way is best, then why do we insist on doing things our way? He promises us an abundant life. (I can't find the scripture reference right now - will add it later when I find it.)

Can I give you and myself a real meaning (a real reason) to be alive? Yes, I can.

1) God planned each of us.
2) God wanted (and still does) each of us.
3) God loves each of us so much. Nothing can separate us from God's love. Romans 8:38-39 says, "For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
4) God has a wonderful plan for each of us. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the thoughts (plans) that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end."
5) Psalm 139 - READ IT!
6) The Creator of the universe thought of you and He thought of me. How awesome is that!! There is a song that has been out for several years now titled, "My Best Friend Is The Creator Of The Universe." How cool! How awesome! That the Creator of the universe wants me and He wants you!

The real meaning to be alive: Allowing God to be God in our lives. Allowing Him to be in total control (since He does know what's best for each of us). And to allow God to work out His wonderful plan for us. We need to trust Him, surrender to Him, and trust Him again with us - the good, the bad, and the ugly. He wants every part of us - even the parts we don't even want. God loves us that much. And we may not understand it all, but God sees the big full picture (plan) and He knows how all of these pieces of our lives fit into that plan to make it so very beautiful and wonderful. God isn't asking us to understand. He isn't asking us to even like everything that enters our lives (such as trials and difficult times). And He understands at times, it's painful - very painful. All He wants is for us to just trust Him. Trust Him! He wants each of us to let go and trust Him, especially when we don't understand. That my friend, is the real meaning to being alive!

Surrender

"All to Jesus I surrender. All to Him I freely give. I will ever love and trust Him. In His presence daily live. I surrender all. I surrender all. All to thee, my blessed Savior, I surrender all."

Surrender - a word that keeps coming to mind today. What does it mean? I looked it up online. Several definitions popped up ... To give up; to hand over; to abandon; to give of oneself.

Letting go. Letting completely go. We use the phrase, "Let go and let God." But how many of us actually do that?! It's easier said than done. But what are we suppose to surrender? Everything - all to Jesus I surrender - isn't that how the song goes? Everything - ALL ... My fears, disappointments, worries, my past, my present, my future, my joys, my struggles, my battles, friendships, family, my goals, my desires, my dreams, etc. The list goes on and on. God wants every part of me ... Every single part of me, including the little things. When I was saved, I became His. I am no longer mine. Everything I do needs to be for Him. I can't live my life for me. I have to live each minute, each second for Him. When I live totally for Him, the battles won't matter. My desires won't matter. "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you." I was told that I was created by Him and for Him. That is so very true. And when I start living my life according to that, anything Satan throws my way won't have any effect on me. Surrender - I have to surrender me - all of me, every single part of me. I have to let go, completely let go of me and let God be in total control. It's not about what I want, but about what God wants. That's the reason I'm here ... the reason He saved me.


(written 11/20/09)

Is God Enough?

Is God Enough? A question that keeps coming to mind lately. Is God really enough? As a child of God, I would say, "Yes. He's God. He's holy, righteous, and pure. He is love. He created the universe just by speaking. The winds and waves obey Him when He speaks. He is my Shepherd. I am His sheep. So God is enough." So, then, why am I having such a hard time with this concept of God being enough? When there is no one else, there is always God. He never leaves us nor forsakens us. When others abandon us, God doesn't. God knows everything about us - the good, the bad, and the ugly - and He still loves us. He still gives us grace and mercy. He is still here. So, why then, am I having a hard time with this? Why does this question keep coming to mind? Right now, it seems as though it's just me and God. Everyone else has left - or so it seems. I don't hear their voices. I don't receive their emails. It's just me and God. And yet, I feel so lonely. If God is enough, and I am His child, then why do I feel so lonely? Why do I feel as though I need others to make my life complete? God is enough! That's what I keep telling myself - He's enough, I don't need others to be fulfilled. And yet, the loneliness lingers like a bad odor. The tears flow like a raging river. Is God really truly enough??? If you are a Christian, your response will quickly be, "Of course, God is enough!!" And you may wonder why I could be struggling with this as much as I am. Well, I'm wondering the same thing as to why I'm struggling with this question/concept. If you are not a Christian, or just don't really think about God, you may or may not be struggling with this same question. I think about this question constantly trying to understand. My spirit knows the truth - yes, God is enough; however, trying to convince my mind and emotions of this fact is really hard at the moment. But as I ask myself that question over and over again, I can't help but sense that God is trying to teach me something. As though He's wanting to get me to understand it all at a deeper level. As though He may be preparing me for something. Is God enough? If I'm having problems with this question, maybe there are others who struggle with it too. Deep down, I know that God IS definitely enough. Now the trick is to get my mind and emotions to believe it as well. And then to live life according to that fact - that God IS enough. And that I really don't need anyone/anything else in my life. And just maybe, God is doing some pruning to this child of His. And maybe it's more than just believing that He is enough, but also living as though He's enough. And as I type this blog post, I am reminded of a writing I did back in November. And I guess, tomorrow I will post that. Because maybe that writing fits in with this writing (post)..."Surrender".