I asked a friend of mine just a few minutes ago to give me a topic to write on today, and this was what she gave me: "A Real Meaning To Be Alive." My first reaction is great, give a person who constantly deals with suicidal ideation, the topic on the real meaning to be alive. But hey, I'm up for the challenge.
I've wanted to die so many times since Feb '08. I can't count how many times I've thought about killing myself. There are others who share in this same struggle. Why should I be alive? Why should I live, when most of the time I prefer to be dead? My pastor told me once, in a heated discussion, because he knew at that moment, I would walk out of his office and kill myself (or at least attempt), "IT'S NOT YOUR CALL!!!" He was telling me that I didn't have (and still don't have) the authority to make that decision. That call, that authority, only belongs to God. God brought me into this world, and only God can take me out. When I am in my right mind and can think clearly, I know that even if I attempt suicide, I will only die if God allows me to. Why should I live? What is the real meaning to being alive? When I am all alone (or at least feel as though I am), should I continue to live? Why? Most people would tell me, "Live for your girls." In fact, everyone who has tried to talk me out of suicide has made the statement(s): "Live for your girls. Think about your girls. Etc" I want to scream, "What about me? Shouldn't I live for me? Aren't I worth something to live just for me? Am I suppose to stay alive just because of my girls? What about me? Can you give me a reason to live other than it being about others?" And as I sit here thinking about all of this, thoughts come to mind.
Why should I stay alive? Why should anyone continue to live? Why shouldn't a person commit suicide? GOD WANTS YOU!!! GOD PLANNED YOU AND WANTS YOU (AND ME)!!! God loves us so much that He gave up His only Son to die a cruel, inhumane death on a cross for you and for me. God wants me! God wants you! God has a special, special plan for each of us. All we need to do is surrender us to Him and allow Him to accomplish His plan for our lives. Sometimes we won't agree with His plan. But God knows best. He's God - HE KNOWS BEST!!! So why do we fight Him? Why do we doubt Him? Why do we hide from Him? If His way is best, then why do we insist on doing things our way? He promises us an abundant life. (I can't find the scripture reference right now - will add it later when I find it.)
Can I give you and myself a real meaning (a real reason) to be alive? Yes, I can.
1) God planned each of us.
2) God wanted (and still does) each of us.
3) God loves each of us so much. Nothing can separate us from God's love. Romans 8:38-39 says, "For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
4) God has a wonderful plan for each of us. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the thoughts (plans) that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end."
5) Psalm 139 - READ IT!
6) The Creator of the universe thought of you and He thought of me. How awesome is that!! There is a song that has been out for several years now titled, "My Best Friend Is The Creator Of The Universe." How cool! How awesome! That the Creator of the universe wants me and He wants you!
The real meaning to be alive: Allowing God to be God in our lives. Allowing Him to be in total control (since He does know what's best for each of us). And to allow God to work out His wonderful plan for us. We need to trust Him, surrender to Him, and trust Him again with us - the good, the bad, and the ugly. He wants every part of us - even the parts we don't even want. God loves us that much. And we may not understand it all, but God sees the big full picture (plan) and He knows how all of these pieces of our lives fit into that plan to make it so very beautiful and wonderful. God isn't asking us to understand. He isn't asking us to even like everything that enters our lives (such as trials and difficult times). And He understands at times, it's painful - very painful. All He wants is for us to just trust Him. Trust Him! He wants each of us to let go and trust Him, especially when we don't understand. That my friend, is the real meaning to being alive!
Showing posts with label Suicide. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Suicide. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Thursday, June 3, 2010
The Forbidden Acronym
suffering
under
intense
confusing
indescribable
debilitating
emotions
If you want to stir up a lot of different emotions among a lot of different people, post this acronym on Facebook. Oh wait, I did! Back in October. October 13, 2009 at 9:28am to be exact. Why would I do something like that? Because at the time, it described exactly how I felt. I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself. Why? Because I was seriously suffering under intense confusing indescribable debilitating emotions. And unless you have been to that point yourself, you'll never understand. Was it for attention? NO! Was it so I could get "chewed out" from friends and family? NO! I was suffering emotionally, and the only way I knew how to cry out for help was just to put this acronym on Facebook. Suicide - a topic many people don't want to talk about. A topic some people don't understand. That day I needed someone to understand. I knew of a cousin who dealt with emotional issues like I did. I knew she had been hospitalized years before, but wasn't sure if it was due to a suicide attempt. So I contacted her sister, another cousin of mine, that day. I wasn't sure which she checked first, facebook or email. So I sent this cousin the same message on both that day. "Did your sister ever attempt suicide?" That day I needed to talk to someone who really understood my pain and my desire to die. That day seemed like I was surrounded by a fog. It was so surreal. My cousin replied to both the messages on facebook and email. "I just talked to her. Here's her number. Call her. She's waiting." I did call her. In fact, I called her several times that day. And if I didn't have her to talk to, I would have killed myself. Why? Because the pain was too great to deal with, and I wanted so much to die. That day was a nightmare for me. I won't go into everything that happened that day. All I will say is that four cousins supported me and encouraged me that day, including a couple of cousins I barely know. I survived that day. It wasn't easy. And sometimes, it still isn't easy. Do I still deal with those emotions? More times than I care to count. Am I there now? Not at this moment. Will I be at that place again? More than likely. But for now, I'll just enjoy my "up" time. I haven't had many of those since February 2008. So when I have an "up" time, I choose to enjoy it for as long as I can.
under
intense
confusing
indescribable
debilitating
emotions
If you want to stir up a lot of different emotions among a lot of different people, post this acronym on Facebook. Oh wait, I did! Back in October. October 13, 2009 at 9:28am to be exact. Why would I do something like that? Because at the time, it described exactly how I felt. I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself. Why? Because I was seriously suffering under intense confusing indescribable debilitating emotions. And unless you have been to that point yourself, you'll never understand. Was it for attention? NO! Was it so I could get "chewed out" from friends and family? NO! I was suffering emotionally, and the only way I knew how to cry out for help was just to put this acronym on Facebook. Suicide - a topic many people don't want to talk about. A topic some people don't understand. That day I needed someone to understand. I knew of a cousin who dealt with emotional issues like I did. I knew she had been hospitalized years before, but wasn't sure if it was due to a suicide attempt. So I contacted her sister, another cousin of mine, that day. I wasn't sure which she checked first, facebook or email. So I sent this cousin the same message on both that day. "Did your sister ever attempt suicide?" That day I needed to talk to someone who really understood my pain and my desire to die. That day seemed like I was surrounded by a fog. It was so surreal. My cousin replied to both the messages on facebook and email. "I just talked to her. Here's her number. Call her. She's waiting." I did call her. In fact, I called her several times that day. And if I didn't have her to talk to, I would have killed myself. Why? Because the pain was too great to deal with, and I wanted so much to die. That day was a nightmare for me. I won't go into everything that happened that day. All I will say is that four cousins supported me and encouraged me that day, including a couple of cousins I barely know. I survived that day. It wasn't easy. And sometimes, it still isn't easy. Do I still deal with those emotions? More times than I care to count. Am I there now? Not at this moment. Will I be at that place again? More than likely. But for now, I'll just enjoy my "up" time. I haven't had many of those since February 2008. So when I have an "up" time, I choose to enjoy it for as long as I can.
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