Giving Up

It's time to let the evil out
It's time to open up the wound
It's time to let the blood run out

Watch the blood
Watch how it moves down the arm
Watch how it forms a puddle on the floor

See the bright color of red
See how it covers everything
See how it stains the room

Observe the site
Observe how hope was lost
Observe the end of a journey

No more pain
No more despair
No more everything

(written sometime btwn 1/23/09 - 1/25/09)

Happiness Gone

Happiness...
Where did you go?
Why did you leave me?
Why are you hiding?
When will you come back?
Are you going to be gone forever?
Did I do something wrong?
Do you hate me?
Are you punishing me?
Is this funny to you?
Are you getting a good laugh?
Do I deserve this betrayal?

Happiness...
You left me a year ago!
I haven't heard from you!
You have betrayed me!
I trusted you!
I thought we would be together forever!
I was wrong!
I was definitely wrong!!!

(written sometime btwn 1/23/09 - 1/25/09)

My Pain

I cry yet no one hears
I cry out still no one hears
No one hears for I cry in my head

No one wants to listen
No one wants to be bothered
It's my pain
Mine alone

Where are they
Where are the people who say they care
I don't see them
I don't hear them

I'm all alone
Alone with my tears
I cry yet no one hears
I cry out still no one hears

I wish someone would hear
Why can't they hear

(written 1/14/09)

Tug-Of-War

I feel the war raging inside me
The war between two sides
Each trying so desperately to win
Each putting the pressure on the other
Which one will win
Which one will lose

Two sides tugging to pull the other into their pit
The pit of life
The pit of death
Which one will win
Which one will lose

Good vs. Evil
Love vs. Hate
Life vs. Death
Which one will win
Which one will lose

Each side fighting so hard
It's tearing me apart
I'm about to be ripped to shreds
I feel like I'm the one who will lose

Two sides at war
Two sides pulling
I'm in the middle
Which one will win
Which one will lose
Me that's who
I'm the one who will lose

(written 1/9/09)

Writings

For this week, I'll be posting writings that I wrote last year when my issues were at a all-time high. These were inspired by my symptoms of BPD. These writings will show you where I've been. I will share them exactly how they were written. For my fellow BPD sufferers, I hope knowing that I deal with the same things you deal with, will help you not to feel alone.

?????

I honestly don't know what I want to talk about today. And without knowing what I want to talk about, I don't have a title...reason for the question marks. Well, I'm on Day 2 of my "40 Days of Healing." It's going well. I'm learning new things...new ways of thinking. I have my outline on "how to love." The main problem I'm dealing with today is panic attacks. Yep, I'm dealing with panic attacks today for some unknown reason. Luckily, they're only minor ones today, but I sense that they want to become major ones. So, I'm trying to keep my mind off of them for now...except while I write this. Maybe I should talk about something else. I wish I knew what I should talk about today. I try to write something each day, but today, I'm just not sure what that will be. I guess I'm rambling now. Sorry about that.

Life is hard! Healing is even harder!! Committment is necessary. So I'm committed to this journey of healing that I've put myself on for these 40 days. What lies before me? I don't really know. Will I actually heal? I don't know that either. And will relationships be able to be restored after these 40 days? Only God knows that. But I can't think about those relationships, and I can't think about those people. I need to be focused on my healing, my husband, my girls, and the One who can heal me. Those are the ones I need to be focused on for now...for these 40 days.

40 Days Of Healing

Today, I started my 40 days of healing. A personal journey of healing between my Heavenly Father and me. Some of you may think this is crazy, and that's your choice. But this is a journey I need to take, and a journey I believe God wants me to take. Why 40 days? I don't know. It's just a number I came up with. During these 40 days, I will be retraining the way I view myself; changing the way I think; viewing myself the way God sees me; and learning how to be loved and how to love. Will there be tough times along the way? I'm sure there will be. There always is, especially when your trying to be positive. For the past two years it seems that whenever I move forward there is always something that kicks me back down. It's the ole "five steps forward and seven steps back." But I'm committed to this particular journey. I will go the distance. And I will allow God to show me what He wants me to see and learn. I need to heal. And I need to heal God's way. And so, with God by my side and His Word before me, I will travel this journey, and see where God takes me.

Ups and Downs

We all have them. Some of us down right hate them - the ups and downs of life. I enjoy my up times. But now, I find myself dealing with the down times. Maybe I shouldn't blog when I'm feeling this way. But what good would that do? If I just write about my up times and never about my down times, then you as my reader would think that I have it all together and then you wouldn't get the full picture. I don't have it all together. I'm far from having it together. I'm trying to find the beauty in my broken pieces, and let me tell you, it's not easy. It's definitely not easy. There are lessons I've learned along this journey, and I'm sure there will be more lessons I learn. And as I learn them, I will share them. So for now, I write while I'm in my down time. It's not so that I can bring you down with me. I write during my down times to let you know that I have them too. We all do. So what do we do during our down times? Well, personally, I would like to just stay in bed and not do anything. For the last few days, making myself get out of bed was a chore, but I did do it. That's a step in the right direction.
I have a lot I'm dealing with. A lot of emotional issues I'm trying to work through. And it's hard...very hard. So how will I deal with it? I do what works for me. I close my eyes and wait to hear from my Lord, my Savior, my Friend. It seems as though He's all I have now. And maybe for now, this is best. I realized something yesterday while writing an email. Without thinking but just writing from my heart, certain words were written down. And those words have been a breakthrough for me. What did I say? What did I write? In that email I wrote, "I honestly don't know how to be loved or how to love." That's where all of my issues start. What a revelation! What a breakthrough! So, where do I go from here? I guess I need to learn how to accept love; how to be loved; and how to love. A new journey is beginning along with the others. Journeys that are painful and difficult. But if I'm going to find true healing, if I'm going to find the beauty in my broken pieces, then I must travel these journeys no matter how painful or how difficult they get.
Some people choose not believe in God. I have to. Because without God, without my Heavenly Father, I won't survive these journeys, and I'll never find the beauty in my broken pieces.

When Life Gives You Lemons

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." I like to say, "When life gives you lemons, throw them back!" Lemons, what good are lemons? Well, you can make lemonade with them. You can even make a lemon pie with them. Some people add lemons to their iced tea. But what about the "lemons" life gives us? What good are they? Can we do something good with those lemons, or do they need to be thrown back?

I've been dealt a blow since coming back from vacation. I've been in an emotional fog for the last few days. I'm trying to make sense out of everything. But I'm having a hard time doing so. "When life gives you lemons, throw them back!" That's what I want to do...throw them all back. In some ways, I've done just that. But it's hard...emotionally hard. I've let a lot of people go. People who really don't want to be bothered with me. And a person who cares, but I've had to let her go for other reasons. That's the hard one. Letting go of a person who actually cares because something gets in the way. Something happens that wasn't suppose to. Letting her go...well, that's the tough one. But I have to for her sake, and for mine. She probably thinks that I'm mad at her. If only that was the problem, then maybe she and I could work through this. What do I do with these lemons? The ones that life has thrown my way? The ones I have to deal with now? What about these lemons? Do I throw them back? or Do I make something out of them? or Do I give them to Someone Who knows better than me?

Therapy?!

Therapy?! Do I really need it? Can I heal without it? Everyone who's interested keeps telling me that I need to go to therapy. Been there...done that; don't really care to do it again. I am a born again Christian. God is my Heavenly Father. I have been asking myself if God is enough. And a couple of people have told me that yes, God is enough! So then, my question is now, if God is enough (or maybe since God is enough), then why do I need therapy? Can't He heal me? Can't He help me deal with all of this junk that I deal with? And what if He chooses not to remove any of my issues?! Does this mean I have to do therapy? What good is therapy if God chooses not to remove any of my issues? Why should I do therapy? It hasn't helped so far. What makes people think that it will eventually help? Oh, but then they say, "Keep looking until you find the right person." Well, you know what?! I've decided not to do therapy. If God IS enough, then He is all I need. And I don't need a therapist to help me through all of this. And so, my journey continues...just me and God...and no one else.

How I Feel

Well, I'm back from vacation. It was nice to get away. Now back to reality. Not fun! I'm not sure what I want to talk about today. So much going on inside. So many thoughts and feelings overwhelming me these last few days. It all seems to get worse instead of better. How do I feel? Honestly, I feel horrible...absolutely horrible. And I really don't feel like talking about it right now. I want to cry, scream, run away, change my identity, and start completely over. And yes, I would like to cut right now. But I won't do any of this. Is God enough? A question I blogged about before, and a question I find myself asking once again. Why do things happen? Why do I feel the way I do? Too many "why" questions with no answers in sight. Oh, I forgot, I'm not suppose to ask "why?" I was once told that the "whys" don't matter. Well, that doesn't stop me from asking. How am I doing? Not good at all. And nothing positive to talk about today. So instead of bringing everyone of my readers down, I think I'll just close this and try again tomorrow.