Between A Rock and A Hard Place

Well, today I find myself between a rock and a hard place. I'm trying to move forward, but finding it difficult because one of my issues keeps getting in the way. This issue prevents me from making any real friends and/or keeping real friendships. I've already lost so much because of this particular issue, and I'm afraid I have lost once again or at least in the process of losing once again.
So, why am I between a rock and a hard place? Because if I move forward, this issue will get worse, but if I don't move forward this issue may still get worse. One would think that if the issue was going to become worse anyway, then I might as well move forward. But I'm not sure if that is the best course of action. What if the issue becomes more unbearable by moving forward than if I don't move forward? Right now I'm trying to weight my options to determine the best course of action. Either way, I've still lost.

Rollercoasters

I'm going to be honest. I hate rollercoasters! My cousin loves them! Good for her. I didn't inherit the "extreme adventure thrill" gene like she did. And that is fine with me. I avoid rollercoasters at all costs. However, there is a rollercoaster that I get thrown on: the emotional rollercoaster. I hate it! But I have no choice but to ride it. My emotions are all over the place, it seems. Fine one minute only to become depressed the next. And if depression isn't enough, there are times when the anger or just plain irritability sets in. The emotional rollercoaster drives me nuts! It's like what they say about the weather here in Mobile: "If you don't like the weather, just stick around for 5 minutes because it will change." That's me. If you don't like my mood, stick around 5 minutes because it will change.
Right now, I'm doing pretty good. I'm mainly dealing with one of my migraines. But apparently it isn't bad enough to keep me from blogging. :) I'm hoping my emotional rollercoaster slows down some. I need a break, especially during this time of year. With the Christmas season upon us, may we each have a wonderful experience this year. And hopefully our emotional rollercoasters will give us a break for once.

I Am Alive!

Wow! It sure has been awhile since I last posted something. Where does the time go?! Let's see...the last time I posted something, I was just starting out my "40 Days of Healing" journey. I posted past writings during that first week and haven't posted since. I'm really sorry about that. Life got in the way. ;) I finished my "40 Days of Healing" on August 16, 2010. And let me tell you. It was worth it! My life changed drastically for the better. Does that mean, everything goes well 24/7? NO!!! In fact, I'm having a "down" time right now as I write. But even though things get tough, I have a better perspective on things. And my relationship with my Heavenly Father has gotten to a point where I depend on Him. Do I always deal with situations the way He wants? Not always. I'm still human, and I still make mistakes. But He is patient with me and guides me along the way whether I pay attention to Him or not. I hope to blog again on a regular basis. However, this week is Thanksgiving, and next week my husband is on vacation, so I'm not sure how regular I will be for the next two weeks, but I will do my best. I have learned a lot of things since those "40 Days," and I want to share with you what I have learned along my journey these last few months. And God has given me a few more writings that I hope to share with you in the near future.
Life is tough! I know that. And sometimes, life stinks. But we have a God who loves each of us. And He is here with His arms wide open ready to take us under His care and to guide us each step along the way during this really tough journey we call "life". Please travel it with me, and let's learn the lessons of life together.

Writings

For this week, I'll be posting writings that I wrote last year when my issues were at a all-time high. These were inspired by my symptoms of BPD. These writings will show you where I've been. I will share them exactly how they were written. For my fellow BPD sufferers, I hope knowing that I deal with the same things you deal with, will help you not to feel alone.

Ups and Downs

We all have them. Some of us down right hate them - the ups and downs of life. I enjoy my up times. But now, I find myself dealing with the down times. Maybe I shouldn't blog when I'm feeling this way. But what good would that do? If I just write about my up times and never about my down times, then you as my reader would think that I have it all together and then you wouldn't get the full picture. I don't have it all together. I'm far from having it together. I'm trying to find the beauty in my broken pieces, and let me tell you, it's not easy. It's definitely not easy. There are lessons I've learned along this journey, and I'm sure there will be more lessons I learn. And as I learn them, I will share them. So for now, I write while I'm in my down time. It's not so that I can bring you down with me. I write during my down times to let you know that I have them too. We all do. So what do we do during our down times? Well, personally, I would like to just stay in bed and not do anything. For the last few days, making myself get out of bed was a chore, but I did do it. That's a step in the right direction.
I have a lot I'm dealing with. A lot of emotional issues I'm trying to work through. And it's hard...very hard. So how will I deal with it? I do what works for me. I close my eyes and wait to hear from my Lord, my Savior, my Friend. It seems as though He's all I have now. And maybe for now, this is best. I realized something yesterday while writing an email. Without thinking but just writing from my heart, certain words were written down. And those words have been a breakthrough for me. What did I say? What did I write? In that email I wrote, "I honestly don't know how to be loved or how to love." That's where all of my issues start. What a revelation! What a breakthrough! So, where do I go from here? I guess I need to learn how to accept love; how to be loved; and how to love. A new journey is beginning along with the others. Journeys that are painful and difficult. But if I'm going to find true healing, if I'm going to find the beauty in my broken pieces, then I must travel these journeys no matter how painful or how difficult they get.
Some people choose not believe in God. I have to. Because without God, without my Heavenly Father, I won't survive these journeys, and I'll never find the beauty in my broken pieces.

When Life Gives You Lemons

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." I like to say, "When life gives you lemons, throw them back!" Lemons, what good are lemons? Well, you can make lemonade with them. You can even make a lemon pie with them. Some people add lemons to their iced tea. But what about the "lemons" life gives us? What good are they? Can we do something good with those lemons, or do they need to be thrown back?

I've been dealt a blow since coming back from vacation. I've been in an emotional fog for the last few days. I'm trying to make sense out of everything. But I'm having a hard time doing so. "When life gives you lemons, throw them back!" That's what I want to do...throw them all back. In some ways, I've done just that. But it's hard...emotionally hard. I've let a lot of people go. People who really don't want to be bothered with me. And a person who cares, but I've had to let her go for other reasons. That's the hard one. Letting go of a person who actually cares because something gets in the way. Something happens that wasn't suppose to. Letting her go...well, that's the tough one. But I have to for her sake, and for mine. She probably thinks that I'm mad at her. If only that was the problem, then maybe she and I could work through this. What do I do with these lemons? The ones that life has thrown my way? The ones I have to deal with now? What about these lemons? Do I throw them back? or Do I make something out of them? or Do I give them to Someone Who knows better than me?

Therapy?!

Therapy?! Do I really need it? Can I heal without it? Everyone who's interested keeps telling me that I need to go to therapy. Been there...done that; don't really care to do it again. I am a born again Christian. God is my Heavenly Father. I have been asking myself if God is enough. And a couple of people have told me that yes, God is enough! So then, my question is now, if God is enough (or maybe since God is enough), then why do I need therapy? Can't He heal me? Can't He help me deal with all of this junk that I deal with? And what if He chooses not to remove any of my issues?! Does this mean I have to do therapy? What good is therapy if God chooses not to remove any of my issues? Why should I do therapy? It hasn't helped so far. What makes people think that it will eventually help? Oh, but then they say, "Keep looking until you find the right person." Well, you know what?! I've decided not to do therapy. If God IS enough, then He is all I need. And I don't need a therapist to help me through all of this. And so, my journey continues...just me and God...and no one else.

How I Feel

Well, I'm back from vacation. It was nice to get away. Now back to reality. Not fun! I'm not sure what I want to talk about today. So much going on inside. So many thoughts and feelings overwhelming me these last few days. It all seems to get worse instead of better. How do I feel? Honestly, I feel horrible...absolutely horrible. And I really don't feel like talking about it right now. I want to cry, scream, run away, change my identity, and start completely over. And yes, I would like to cut right now. But I won't do any of this. Is God enough? A question I blogged about before, and a question I find myself asking once again. Why do things happen? Why do I feel the way I do? Too many "why" questions with no answers in sight. Oh, I forgot, I'm not suppose to ask "why?" I was once told that the "whys" don't matter. Well, that doesn't stop me from asking. How am I doing? Not good at all. And nothing positive to talk about today. So instead of bringing everyone of my readers down, I think I'll just close this and try again tomorrow.

Vacation Time!

Well, my family and I are on vacation - a much needed vacation. We arrived a few hours ago to our destination. This is the first time today that I've had to sit down and write something. I'm not sure what days I will be able to post something. We plan to go to different places and have fun together as a family. I do know that Tuesday will not have a post. Tuesday is booked solid. But I will post the other days if I have a chance.

I'm looking forward to this week. I believe that God wants me here this week for a reason. Not sure what that reason is. I've given Him my week. I'm gonna let Him lead. I'm going to trust Him. I do hope/pray that during this week, that I will find some closure in some areas and healing in others. Whatever takes place this week, my main prayer is that God will be completely glorified.

The 3-Step Lesson

Well, I was going to wait to share the 3-step lesson that I was taught over the past couple of weeks; however, my emotional rollercoaster hit hard last night, and I felt as though it was time to share the lesson with you. I needed to be reminded of it myself, and I think others may benefit from it as well. The 3-step lesson will be shared in three different posts. I will tackle one per day: "Quicksand," "The Question That Left My Mind Speechless," and "A Lesson In Pictures."

Since tomorrow is Sunday, I will probably not do my normal posting. I need to go to church in the morning. I haven't really been going regularly since October of last fall. I may not have been in church over the past 6-7 months (except a few times here and there), but God and I have been traveling a journey that He and I needed to travel alone. He has had a couple of people join us along the way, but the time came for those to leave this journey of mine. So, now it's just me and God again; however, it is time to rejoin my church family. So, I guess on Sundays I will just post a verse to share with you.

The 3-Step Lesson - What God has taught me through my struggles...

About Me

I am a wife and a mother of two girls. Two years ago, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). My life was going well, at least I thought it was, until February 2008. All of a sudden, my life changed...drastically. What I thought would be a quick fix turned out to be a rough two-year journey. Instead of things getting better, things only got worse. After almost two and a half years, I'm still on this journey; still learning how to cope with BPD and all of the wonderful (NOT!) things that go along with it. I've had my ups and downs, and continue to have my rollercoaster of emotions. But even though this journey has been tough, and I've hated most of it, I've learned quite a bit about myself. And more importantly than that, I've learned more about my Heavenly Father and His great love for me. Without Him, I am nothing; with Him, I am everything.

New Beginnings

Today is the first day to a new month. Well, in a sense, I guess it's also the first day to a new beginning. I'm putting my past behind me, and I'm starting over. I've been on a very tough two-year journey. But I have survived. I have the scars to prove it...the emotional ones along with the physical ones. It hasn't been easy, and I haven't "arrived" yet. I'm still learning; still moving forward. But the lessons I have learned (and continue to learn), I need to share them. I need to help others along their journeys. Life isn't easy. And life isn't fair. We all have our battles. We all have our struggles. That's life. And yes, sometimes life just stinks. But beyond the stinky part of life, there is something wonderful...something beautiful. I don't have the answers, but I know who does. And along my journey, He continues to show me those answers each step of the way and on a "need to know" basis. Why this blog? Because, there are others who struggle with the same things I struggle with, and I want them to know that there IS hope.