Battles, Struggles, and Storms - Part 1

We all have our battles. We all struggle with issues. And we all have to face the storms of life that wear us down. What are my battles? What do I struggle with? Too much in my opinion. I suffer from BPD, and that alone gives me more battles than I care to deal with.

I constantly have negative thoughts that run through my head telling me: "I'm no good. I'm not anyone special. That I don't deserve to be alive. That I should just go ahead and kill myself. No one cares about me. Why should they? They're better off without me." The thoughts scream in my head; sometimes to the point where all I want to do is scream back. But I don't. I struggle with them day in and day out. Right now, those negative thoughts are quiet. Surprisingly, they're quiet. But I'm sure they will be back. The question is: "Will I be ready for them?" You may be thinking, "Why do you listen to them? They're lies. Don't listen to them." I try to tell myself that they're lies, but it doesn't help...at least not when the thoughts are screaming in my head. They get so loud that they are hard to ignore. And besides, I've been hearing these same thoughts my entire life. In a sense, I've heard these lies for so long, they have, in their way, become my truth. So now I find myself trying to retrain my neurons trying to convince myself that these negative thoughts are indeed lies. But that isn't always an easy task.

What else do I struggle with? Suicidal thoughts. I constantly struggle with suicidal thoughts and the desire to die. Don't ask me why. I honestly don't know. All I know is that suicidal ideation/thoughts are part of BPD. Oh, joy! But I'm still alive. I can't count how many times I've been close to attempting suicide these past couple of years. Too many to count, in fact. My last suicidal episode was about a month ago. But that's another blog post. But I'm still alive. But only by the grace of God. (And I do not say that lightly.) It has only been by the grace of God that I have not attempted suicide or allowed myself to die. He wants me to stay alive. Sometimes I don't agree with Him, but here I am...alive and writing this post.

Another joy (NOT!) about BPD is that I cut. What do I cut? Myself...I cut myself. Mostly on my left arm. My cuts aren't deep. They're more like cat scratches. Actually, I think the cats we have cut deeper than I do. However, there have been times when I have cut a little deeper. Those are the scars that stay with me. Why do I cut? For a release. Sometimes the emotional pain is so great, that the only way I can deal with it is to cut myself. I've always self-injured, but I didn't start cutting until March 2008. For me, physical pain is a whole lot easier to deal with than the emotional pain. That's why I self-injure.

Besides the suicidal thoughts/desires and cutting, my other main struggle related to BPD is my fear of abandonment - real or imaginary. This one has cost me several friendships. How? When I'm afraid I'm losing someone, I get angry. I don't know why, but I do. And the anger gets so overwhelming that I lash out. Who wants to continue being friends with a person who lashes out with extreme anger in his/her direction?! No one does. So, needless to say, I have lost several friends, even family, due to my issues with BPD. And when I think about that, well the negative thoughts begin screaming in my head telling me that I'm no good and I don't deserve to be alive, and that I should just go ahead and kill myself. And these thoughts get so loud that the only way I can deal with them at times is cut my own body. One vicious cycle that never seems to end.

I have other issues that I struggle with. Issues that I won't go into detail about. Those issues are private. But like me, you have struggles that you don't mind sharing with others and struggles that you prefer not to talk about. We all do. We all have our battles. We all have our struggles. Mine may not be the same as yours, but your struggles probably bother you the same as my struggles bother me. So, how do we each handle our different battles, struggles, and storms? I'll will discuss what I have been learning in a future post: "Battles, Struggles, and Storms - Part 2."

The Forbidden Acronym

suffering
under
intense
confusing
indescribable
debilitating
emotions


If you want to stir up a lot of different emotions among a lot of different people, post this acronym on Facebook. Oh wait, I did! Back in October. October 13, 2009 at 9:28am to be exact. Why would I do something like that? Because at the time, it described exactly how I felt. I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself. Why? Because I was seriously suffering under intense confusing indescribable debilitating emotions. And unless you have been to that point yourself, you'll never understand. Was it for attention? NO! Was it so I could get "chewed out" from friends and family? NO! I was suffering emotionally, and the only way I knew how to cry out for help was just to put this acronym on Facebook. Suicide - a topic many people don't want to talk about. A topic some people don't understand. That day I needed someone to understand. I knew of a cousin who dealt with emotional issues like I did. I knew she had been hospitalized years before, but wasn't sure if it was due to a suicide attempt. So I contacted her sister, another cousin of mine, that day. I wasn't sure which she checked first, facebook or email. So I sent this cousin the same message on both that day. "Did your sister ever attempt suicide?" That day I needed to talk to someone who really understood my pain and my desire to die. That day seemed like I was surrounded by a fog. It was so surreal. My cousin replied to both the messages on facebook and email. "I just talked to her. Here's her number. Call her. She's waiting." I did call her. In fact, I called her several times that day. And if I didn't have her to talk to, I would have killed myself. Why? Because the pain was too great to deal with, and I wanted so much to die. That day was a nightmare for me. I won't go into everything that happened that day. All I will say is that four cousins supported me and encouraged me that day, including a couple of cousins I barely know. I survived that day. It wasn't easy. And sometimes, it still isn't easy. Do I still deal with those emotions? More times than I care to count. Am I there now? Not at this moment. Will I be at that place again? More than likely. But for now, I'll just enjoy my "up" time. I haven't had many of those since February 2008. So when I have an "up" time, I choose to enjoy it for as long as I can.

Please, Don't Leave Me

When the urge to cut comes my way
Please, don't leave me

When thoughts of suicide enter my mind
Please, don't leave me

When my mood shifts from good to bad
Please, don't leave me

When the symptoms of BPD get the best of me
Please, don't leave me

But instead...

Please, teach me to trust people again

Please, help me to believe in myself

Please, let me know that you care

Please, encourage me when life seems so dark

Whatever you do...
Please, don't give up on me
Please, don't leave me
I need to know you care!


(written 8/9/09)