Battles, Struggles, and Storms - Part 1

We all have our battles. We all struggle with issues. And we all have to face the storms of life that wear us down. What are my battles? What do I struggle with? Too much in my opinion. I suffer from BPD, and that alone gives me more battles than I care to deal with.

I constantly have negative thoughts that run through my head telling me: "I'm no good. I'm not anyone special. That I don't deserve to be alive. That I should just go ahead and kill myself. No one cares about me. Why should they? They're better off without me." The thoughts scream in my head; sometimes to the point where all I want to do is scream back. But I don't. I struggle with them day in and day out. Right now, those negative thoughts are quiet. Surprisingly, they're quiet. But I'm sure they will be back. The question is: "Will I be ready for them?" You may be thinking, "Why do you listen to them? They're lies. Don't listen to them." I try to tell myself that they're lies, but it doesn't help...at least not when the thoughts are screaming in my head. They get so loud that they are hard to ignore. And besides, I've been hearing these same thoughts my entire life. In a sense, I've heard these lies for so long, they have, in their way, become my truth. So now I find myself trying to retrain my neurons trying to convince myself that these negative thoughts are indeed lies. But that isn't always an easy task.

What else do I struggle with? Suicidal thoughts. I constantly struggle with suicidal thoughts and the desire to die. Don't ask me why. I honestly don't know. All I know is that suicidal ideation/thoughts are part of BPD. Oh, joy! But I'm still alive. I can't count how many times I've been close to attempting suicide these past couple of years. Too many to count, in fact. My last suicidal episode was about a month ago. But that's another blog post. But I'm still alive. But only by the grace of God. (And I do not say that lightly.) It has only been by the grace of God that I have not attempted suicide or allowed myself to die. He wants me to stay alive. Sometimes I don't agree with Him, but here I am...alive and writing this post.

Another joy (NOT!) about BPD is that I cut. What do I cut? Myself...I cut myself. Mostly on my left arm. My cuts aren't deep. They're more like cat scratches. Actually, I think the cats we have cut deeper than I do. However, there have been times when I have cut a little deeper. Those are the scars that stay with me. Why do I cut? For a release. Sometimes the emotional pain is so great, that the only way I can deal with it is to cut myself. I've always self-injured, but I didn't start cutting until March 2008. For me, physical pain is a whole lot easier to deal with than the emotional pain. That's why I self-injure.

Besides the suicidal thoughts/desires and cutting, my other main struggle related to BPD is my fear of abandonment - real or imaginary. This one has cost me several friendships. How? When I'm afraid I'm losing someone, I get angry. I don't know why, but I do. And the anger gets so overwhelming that I lash out. Who wants to continue being friends with a person who lashes out with extreme anger in his/her direction?! No one does. So, needless to say, I have lost several friends, even family, due to my issues with BPD. And when I think about that, well the negative thoughts begin screaming in my head telling me that I'm no good and I don't deserve to be alive, and that I should just go ahead and kill myself. And these thoughts get so loud that the only way I can deal with them at times is cut my own body. One vicious cycle that never seems to end.

I have other issues that I struggle with. Issues that I won't go into detail about. Those issues are private. But like me, you have struggles that you don't mind sharing with others and struggles that you prefer not to talk about. We all do. We all have our battles. We all have our struggles. Mine may not be the same as yours, but your struggles probably bother you the same as my struggles bother me. So, how do we each handle our different battles, struggles, and storms? I'll will discuss what I have been learning in a future post: "Battles, Struggles, and Storms - Part 2."