To help you understand this post a little bit better, let me explain something to you first. I live totally in my mind. What does that mean? It means that I am constantly in my mind, mostly through daydreaming, but also through constantly thinking of something. Hardly am I ever living in the moment. I've read that this is part of BPD. I don't know if that's true or not, but I do know that it's part of me. I can't watch tv or do anything without seeing things in my mind. Is that completely daydreaming? I don't know. And if I'm not picturing anything in my mind, I'm thinking of things. My mind seems to go 100mph all the time. It never shuts up! So to have a question leave my mind speechless speaks volumes to me.
So, what was this question? And why did it leave my mind speechless? Well, I've talked about my different issues. Some I've been open about, and some I won't discuss. And for the past two years, I have been miserable. Let me just be honest. This has been a living hell for me. And I would love for all of these issues to just disappear and never return. I honestly don't want them. I hate them ... some more than others. And you know from previous posts that I am a Christian who believes in God. And I'm in the process of trying to depend on Him. And for the past two years, I have asked Him, "Why?" And I have asked Him on many occasions to make all of my issues go away. But God is righteous and holy. He is all-knowing and all-powerful. He can do anything He wants. He sees the past, the present, and the future. Well, a couple of weeks ago, I was dealing with some issues at an extreme high. And I wanted it all to go away. For right now, I won't go into all of those details. However, as I was thinking about everything that one night, it was as though God spoke to me. And He asked me a question ... a question that would leave my mind speechless.
"Nancy, what if I (God) chose not to remove any of your issues? What if, in my wisdom, I chose not to silence the voices, the negative thoughts? What if I chose not to remove the loneliness you feel. What if I never heal the broken relationships with family and friends? What if I never remove any of the issues related to BPD - the mood swings, the suicidal thoughts, the urges to cut? What if with all of your other issues, I chose to allow you to keep them all? What if, Nancy, I choose not to do anything about them? What then? Will you be miserable the rest of your life? Will you stop loving Me? Will you stop following Me? Will you stop serving Me? What would you do, Nancy?"
WOW!! That's some heavy stuff. And yes, my mind was speechless. There were no thoughts coming or going. There were no images in my mind. It was as though, at that point, God and I were beginning to communicate in the spirit. Because even though my mind was quiet, I could sense communication with my Heavenly Father continuing. Somehow I knew what He was trying to tell me. I understood what He was asking. Did I like it? Well, no! Not at all, but I understood. And it was something that would change my whole perspective on everything.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Soo, what will you do? I have my own thoughts on "God", I won't bore you with them...but either way, no matter what or who you believe in, there are lessons to be learned. I am a single mother with BPD and what I've learned is that I have an amazing strength. Your average Joe can't deal with the crap that I deal with on a daily basis inside of me. The lesson I am learning is that I have to accept myself for who I am with all of my self-critical faults, I am learning to be aware of my environment, who is in it at that moment and how I'm coping with it all. I go to DBT and biweekly therapy. The 2 biggest lessons/skills I've learned is how to be mindful and bring myself out of my head and into the moment, and that at any given moment I am doing the best that I can. So, whatever card you have been dealt by what ever God you choose to worship, its the lessons...patience, acceptance, non-judments, self love & self respect, tolerance, etc....are we not all created in the image of our God? Does this mean only the physical image? What about the spiritual and emotional; the mental? When I pray, I don't ask for answers, I ask for strength...I look forward to seeing how this conversation with God affects your reality... *hugs*
ReplyDeleteWow, very powerful!!! What a question too? That is really something that all of us should think about. If, God left us like we were, problems and all, would we still be willing to follow him? Thank you for sharing that. God Bless You!!!
ReplyDelete