The Forbidden Acronym

suffering
under
intense
confusing
indescribable
debilitating
emotions


If you want to stir up a lot of different emotions among a lot of different people, post this acronym on Facebook. Oh wait, I did! Back in October. October 13, 2009 at 9:28am to be exact. Why would I do something like that? Because at the time, it described exactly how I felt. I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself. Why? Because I was seriously suffering under intense confusing indescribable debilitating emotions. And unless you have been to that point yourself, you'll never understand. Was it for attention? NO! Was it so I could get "chewed out" from friends and family? NO! I was suffering emotionally, and the only way I knew how to cry out for help was just to put this acronym on Facebook. Suicide - a topic many people don't want to talk about. A topic some people don't understand. That day I needed someone to understand. I knew of a cousin who dealt with emotional issues like I did. I knew she had been hospitalized years before, but wasn't sure if it was due to a suicide attempt. So I contacted her sister, another cousin of mine, that day. I wasn't sure which she checked first, facebook or email. So I sent this cousin the same message on both that day. "Did your sister ever attempt suicide?" That day I needed to talk to someone who really understood my pain and my desire to die. That day seemed like I was surrounded by a fog. It was so surreal. My cousin replied to both the messages on facebook and email. "I just talked to her. Here's her number. Call her. She's waiting." I did call her. In fact, I called her several times that day. And if I didn't have her to talk to, I would have killed myself. Why? Because the pain was too great to deal with, and I wanted so much to die. That day was a nightmare for me. I won't go into everything that happened that day. All I will say is that four cousins supported me and encouraged me that day, including a couple of cousins I barely know. I survived that day. It wasn't easy. And sometimes, it still isn't easy. Do I still deal with those emotions? More times than I care to count. Am I there now? Not at this moment. Will I be at that place again? More than likely. But for now, I'll just enjoy my "up" time. I haven't had many of those since February 2008. So when I have an "up" time, I choose to enjoy it for as long as I can.