Between A Rock and A Hard Place

Well, today I find myself between a rock and a hard place. I'm trying to move forward, but finding it difficult because one of my issues keeps getting in the way. This issue prevents me from making any real friends and/or keeping real friendships. I've already lost so much because of this particular issue, and I'm afraid I have lost once again or at least in the process of losing once again.
So, why am I between a rock and a hard place? Because if I move forward, this issue will get worse, but if I don't move forward this issue may still get worse. One would think that if the issue was going to become worse anyway, then I might as well move forward. But I'm not sure if that is the best course of action. What if the issue becomes more unbearable by moving forward than if I don't move forward? Right now I'm trying to weight my options to determine the best course of action. Either way, I've still lost.

Rollercoasters

I'm going to be honest. I hate rollercoasters! My cousin loves them! Good for her. I didn't inherit the "extreme adventure thrill" gene like she did. And that is fine with me. I avoid rollercoasters at all costs. However, there is a rollercoaster that I get thrown on: the emotional rollercoaster. I hate it! But I have no choice but to ride it. My emotions are all over the place, it seems. Fine one minute only to become depressed the next. And if depression isn't enough, there are times when the anger or just plain irritability sets in. The emotional rollercoaster drives me nuts! It's like what they say about the weather here in Mobile: "If you don't like the weather, just stick around for 5 minutes because it will change." That's me. If you don't like my mood, stick around 5 minutes because it will change.
Right now, I'm doing pretty good. I'm mainly dealing with one of my migraines. But apparently it isn't bad enough to keep me from blogging. :) I'm hoping my emotional rollercoaster slows down some. I need a break, especially during this time of year. With the Christmas season upon us, may we each have a wonderful experience this year. And hopefully our emotional rollercoasters will give us a break for once.

I Am Alive!

Wow! It sure has been awhile since I last posted something. Where does the time go?! Let's see...the last time I posted something, I was just starting out my "40 Days of Healing" journey. I posted past writings during that first week and haven't posted since. I'm really sorry about that. Life got in the way. ;) I finished my "40 Days of Healing" on August 16, 2010. And let me tell you. It was worth it! My life changed drastically for the better. Does that mean, everything goes well 24/7? NO!!! In fact, I'm having a "down" time right now as I write. But even though things get tough, I have a better perspective on things. And my relationship with my Heavenly Father has gotten to a point where I depend on Him. Do I always deal with situations the way He wants? Not always. I'm still human, and I still make mistakes. But He is patient with me and guides me along the way whether I pay attention to Him or not. I hope to blog again on a regular basis. However, this week is Thanksgiving, and next week my husband is on vacation, so I'm not sure how regular I will be for the next two weeks, but I will do my best. I have learned a lot of things since those "40 Days," and I want to share with you what I have learned along my journey these last few months. And God has given me a few more writings that I hope to share with you in the near future.
Life is tough! I know that. And sometimes, life stinks. But we have a God who loves each of us. And He is here with His arms wide open ready to take us under His care and to guide us each step along the way during this really tough journey we call "life". Please travel it with me, and let's learn the lessons of life together.

Giving Up

It's time to let the evil out
It's time to open up the wound
It's time to let the blood run out

Watch the blood
Watch how it moves down the arm
Watch how it forms a puddle on the floor

See the bright color of red
See how it covers everything
See how it stains the room

Observe the site
Observe how hope was lost
Observe the end of a journey

No more pain
No more despair
No more everything

(written sometime btwn 1/23/09 - 1/25/09)

Happiness Gone

Happiness...
Where did you go?
Why did you leave me?
Why are you hiding?
When will you come back?
Are you going to be gone forever?
Did I do something wrong?
Do you hate me?
Are you punishing me?
Is this funny to you?
Are you getting a good laugh?
Do I deserve this betrayal?

Happiness...
You left me a year ago!
I haven't heard from you!
You have betrayed me!
I trusted you!
I thought we would be together forever!
I was wrong!
I was definitely wrong!!!

(written sometime btwn 1/23/09 - 1/25/09)

My Pain

I cry yet no one hears
I cry out still no one hears
No one hears for I cry in my head

No one wants to listen
No one wants to be bothered
It's my pain
Mine alone

Where are they
Where are the people who say they care
I don't see them
I don't hear them

I'm all alone
Alone with my tears
I cry yet no one hears
I cry out still no one hears

I wish someone would hear
Why can't they hear

(written 1/14/09)

Tug-Of-War

I feel the war raging inside me
The war between two sides
Each trying so desperately to win
Each putting the pressure on the other
Which one will win
Which one will lose

Two sides tugging to pull the other into their pit
The pit of life
The pit of death
Which one will win
Which one will lose

Good vs. Evil
Love vs. Hate
Life vs. Death
Which one will win
Which one will lose

Each side fighting so hard
It's tearing me apart
I'm about to be ripped to shreds
I feel like I'm the one who will lose

Two sides at war
Two sides pulling
I'm in the middle
Which one will win
Which one will lose
Me that's who
I'm the one who will lose

(written 1/9/09)

Writings

For this week, I'll be posting writings that I wrote last year when my issues were at a all-time high. These were inspired by my symptoms of BPD. These writings will show you where I've been. I will share them exactly how they were written. For my fellow BPD sufferers, I hope knowing that I deal with the same things you deal with, will help you not to feel alone.

?????

I honestly don't know what I want to talk about today. And without knowing what I want to talk about, I don't have a title...reason for the question marks. Well, I'm on Day 2 of my "40 Days of Healing." It's going well. I'm learning new things...new ways of thinking. I have my outline on "how to love." The main problem I'm dealing with today is panic attacks. Yep, I'm dealing with panic attacks today for some unknown reason. Luckily, they're only minor ones today, but I sense that they want to become major ones. So, I'm trying to keep my mind off of them for now...except while I write this. Maybe I should talk about something else. I wish I knew what I should talk about today. I try to write something each day, but today, I'm just not sure what that will be. I guess I'm rambling now. Sorry about that.

Life is hard! Healing is even harder!! Committment is necessary. So I'm committed to this journey of healing that I've put myself on for these 40 days. What lies before me? I don't really know. Will I actually heal? I don't know that either. And will relationships be able to be restored after these 40 days? Only God knows that. But I can't think about those relationships, and I can't think about those people. I need to be focused on my healing, my husband, my girls, and the One who can heal me. Those are the ones I need to be focused on for now...for these 40 days.

40 Days Of Healing

Today, I started my 40 days of healing. A personal journey of healing between my Heavenly Father and me. Some of you may think this is crazy, and that's your choice. But this is a journey I need to take, and a journey I believe God wants me to take. Why 40 days? I don't know. It's just a number I came up with. During these 40 days, I will be retraining the way I view myself; changing the way I think; viewing myself the way God sees me; and learning how to be loved and how to love. Will there be tough times along the way? I'm sure there will be. There always is, especially when your trying to be positive. For the past two years it seems that whenever I move forward there is always something that kicks me back down. It's the ole "five steps forward and seven steps back." But I'm committed to this particular journey. I will go the distance. And I will allow God to show me what He wants me to see and learn. I need to heal. And I need to heal God's way. And so, with God by my side and His Word before me, I will travel this journey, and see where God takes me.

Ups and Downs

We all have them. Some of us down right hate them - the ups and downs of life. I enjoy my up times. But now, I find myself dealing with the down times. Maybe I shouldn't blog when I'm feeling this way. But what good would that do? If I just write about my up times and never about my down times, then you as my reader would think that I have it all together and then you wouldn't get the full picture. I don't have it all together. I'm far from having it together. I'm trying to find the beauty in my broken pieces, and let me tell you, it's not easy. It's definitely not easy. There are lessons I've learned along this journey, and I'm sure there will be more lessons I learn. And as I learn them, I will share them. So for now, I write while I'm in my down time. It's not so that I can bring you down with me. I write during my down times to let you know that I have them too. We all do. So what do we do during our down times? Well, personally, I would like to just stay in bed and not do anything. For the last few days, making myself get out of bed was a chore, but I did do it. That's a step in the right direction.
I have a lot I'm dealing with. A lot of emotional issues I'm trying to work through. And it's hard...very hard. So how will I deal with it? I do what works for me. I close my eyes and wait to hear from my Lord, my Savior, my Friend. It seems as though He's all I have now. And maybe for now, this is best. I realized something yesterday while writing an email. Without thinking but just writing from my heart, certain words were written down. And those words have been a breakthrough for me. What did I say? What did I write? In that email I wrote, "I honestly don't know how to be loved or how to love." That's where all of my issues start. What a revelation! What a breakthrough! So, where do I go from here? I guess I need to learn how to accept love; how to be loved; and how to love. A new journey is beginning along with the others. Journeys that are painful and difficult. But if I'm going to find true healing, if I'm going to find the beauty in my broken pieces, then I must travel these journeys no matter how painful or how difficult they get.
Some people choose not believe in God. I have to. Because without God, without my Heavenly Father, I won't survive these journeys, and I'll never find the beauty in my broken pieces.

When Life Gives You Lemons

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." I like to say, "When life gives you lemons, throw them back!" Lemons, what good are lemons? Well, you can make lemonade with them. You can even make a lemon pie with them. Some people add lemons to their iced tea. But what about the "lemons" life gives us? What good are they? Can we do something good with those lemons, or do they need to be thrown back?

I've been dealt a blow since coming back from vacation. I've been in an emotional fog for the last few days. I'm trying to make sense out of everything. But I'm having a hard time doing so. "When life gives you lemons, throw them back!" That's what I want to do...throw them all back. In some ways, I've done just that. But it's hard...emotionally hard. I've let a lot of people go. People who really don't want to be bothered with me. And a person who cares, but I've had to let her go for other reasons. That's the hard one. Letting go of a person who actually cares because something gets in the way. Something happens that wasn't suppose to. Letting her go...well, that's the tough one. But I have to for her sake, and for mine. She probably thinks that I'm mad at her. If only that was the problem, then maybe she and I could work through this. What do I do with these lemons? The ones that life has thrown my way? The ones I have to deal with now? What about these lemons? Do I throw them back? or Do I make something out of them? or Do I give them to Someone Who knows better than me?

Therapy?!

Therapy?! Do I really need it? Can I heal without it? Everyone who's interested keeps telling me that I need to go to therapy. Been there...done that; don't really care to do it again. I am a born again Christian. God is my Heavenly Father. I have been asking myself if God is enough. And a couple of people have told me that yes, God is enough! So then, my question is now, if God is enough (or maybe since God is enough), then why do I need therapy? Can't He heal me? Can't He help me deal with all of this junk that I deal with? And what if He chooses not to remove any of my issues?! Does this mean I have to do therapy? What good is therapy if God chooses not to remove any of my issues? Why should I do therapy? It hasn't helped so far. What makes people think that it will eventually help? Oh, but then they say, "Keep looking until you find the right person." Well, you know what?! I've decided not to do therapy. If God IS enough, then He is all I need. And I don't need a therapist to help me through all of this. And so, my journey continues...just me and God...and no one else.

How I Feel

Well, I'm back from vacation. It was nice to get away. Now back to reality. Not fun! I'm not sure what I want to talk about today. So much going on inside. So many thoughts and feelings overwhelming me these last few days. It all seems to get worse instead of better. How do I feel? Honestly, I feel horrible...absolutely horrible. And I really don't feel like talking about it right now. I want to cry, scream, run away, change my identity, and start completely over. And yes, I would like to cut right now. But I won't do any of this. Is God enough? A question I blogged about before, and a question I find myself asking once again. Why do things happen? Why do I feel the way I do? Too many "why" questions with no answers in sight. Oh, I forgot, I'm not suppose to ask "why?" I was once told that the "whys" don't matter. Well, that doesn't stop me from asking. How am I doing? Not good at all. And nothing positive to talk about today. So instead of bringing everyone of my readers down, I think I'll just close this and try again tomorrow.

Vacation Time!

Well, my family and I are on vacation - a much needed vacation. We arrived a few hours ago to our destination. This is the first time today that I've had to sit down and write something. I'm not sure what days I will be able to post something. We plan to go to different places and have fun together as a family. I do know that Tuesday will not have a post. Tuesday is booked solid. But I will post the other days if I have a chance.

I'm looking forward to this week. I believe that God wants me here this week for a reason. Not sure what that reason is. I've given Him my week. I'm gonna let Him lead. I'm going to trust Him. I do hope/pray that during this week, that I will find some closure in some areas and healing in others. Whatever takes place this week, my main prayer is that God will be completely glorified.

Dare To Live

When the voices tell you otherwise - Dare To Live

When life's storms come your way - Dare To Live

When people tear you down instead of build you up - Dare To Live

Dare To Live - Give your heart to Jesus

Dare To Live - Surrender your all to Him

Dare To Live - Allow Jesus to be in control

Dare To Live!


(written 7/13/09)

Little Star

Twinkle twinkle little star
You're one in a zillion
You look so small from here
You must be so far away
God knows all about you
He created you for a reason
Why? You might ask
Only He knows the answer
He has a plan for you
He wants you to shine
You have a purpose
Please don't go away
You are needed
You are special
You were created by God
The Creator of the Universe
What could be better than that


(written 2/15/09)

A Real Meaning To Be Alive

I asked a friend of mine just a few minutes ago to give me a topic to write on today, and this was what she gave me: "A Real Meaning To Be Alive." My first reaction is great, give a person who constantly deals with suicidal ideation, the topic on the real meaning to be alive. But hey, I'm up for the challenge.

I've wanted to die so many times since Feb '08. I can't count how many times I've thought about killing myself. There are others who share in this same struggle. Why should I be alive? Why should I live, when most of the time I prefer to be dead? My pastor told me once, in a heated discussion, because he knew at that moment, I would walk out of his office and kill myself (or at least attempt), "IT'S NOT YOUR CALL!!!" He was telling me that I didn't have (and still don't have) the authority to make that decision. That call, that authority, only belongs to God. God brought me into this world, and only God can take me out. When I am in my right mind and can think clearly, I know that even if I attempt suicide, I will only die if God allows me to. Why should I live? What is the real meaning to being alive? When I am all alone (or at least feel as though I am), should I continue to live? Why? Most people would tell me, "Live for your girls." In fact, everyone who has tried to talk me out of suicide has made the statement(s): "Live for your girls. Think about your girls. Etc" I want to scream, "What about me? Shouldn't I live for me? Aren't I worth something to live just for me? Am I suppose to stay alive just because of my girls? What about me? Can you give me a reason to live other than it being about others?" And as I sit here thinking about all of this, thoughts come to mind.

Why should I stay alive? Why should anyone continue to live? Why shouldn't a person commit suicide? GOD WANTS YOU!!! GOD PLANNED YOU AND WANTS YOU (AND ME)!!! God loves us so much that He gave up His only Son to die a cruel, inhumane death on a cross for you and for me. God wants me! God wants you! God has a special, special plan for each of us. All we need to do is surrender us to Him and allow Him to accomplish His plan for our lives. Sometimes we won't agree with His plan. But God knows best. He's God - HE KNOWS BEST!!! So why do we fight Him? Why do we doubt Him? Why do we hide from Him? If His way is best, then why do we insist on doing things our way? He promises us an abundant life. (I can't find the scripture reference right now - will add it later when I find it.)

Can I give you and myself a real meaning (a real reason) to be alive? Yes, I can.

1) God planned each of us.
2) God wanted (and still does) each of us.
3) God loves each of us so much. Nothing can separate us from God's love. Romans 8:38-39 says, "For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
4) God has a wonderful plan for each of us. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the thoughts (plans) that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end."
5) Psalm 139 - READ IT!
6) The Creator of the universe thought of you and He thought of me. How awesome is that!! There is a song that has been out for several years now titled, "My Best Friend Is The Creator Of The Universe." How cool! How awesome! That the Creator of the universe wants me and He wants you!

The real meaning to be alive: Allowing God to be God in our lives. Allowing Him to be in total control (since He does know what's best for each of us). And to allow God to work out His wonderful plan for us. We need to trust Him, surrender to Him, and trust Him again with us - the good, the bad, and the ugly. He wants every part of us - even the parts we don't even want. God loves us that much. And we may not understand it all, but God sees the big full picture (plan) and He knows how all of these pieces of our lives fit into that plan to make it so very beautiful and wonderful. God isn't asking us to understand. He isn't asking us to even like everything that enters our lives (such as trials and difficult times). And He understands at times, it's painful - very painful. All He wants is for us to just trust Him. Trust Him! He wants each of us to let go and trust Him, especially when we don't understand. That my friend, is the real meaning to being alive!

Surrender

"All to Jesus I surrender. All to Him I freely give. I will ever love and trust Him. In His presence daily live. I surrender all. I surrender all. All to thee, my blessed Savior, I surrender all."

Surrender - a word that keeps coming to mind today. What does it mean? I looked it up online. Several definitions popped up ... To give up; to hand over; to abandon; to give of oneself.

Letting go. Letting completely go. We use the phrase, "Let go and let God." But how many of us actually do that?! It's easier said than done. But what are we suppose to surrender? Everything - all to Jesus I surrender - isn't that how the song goes? Everything - ALL ... My fears, disappointments, worries, my past, my present, my future, my joys, my struggles, my battles, friendships, family, my goals, my desires, my dreams, etc. The list goes on and on. God wants every part of me ... Every single part of me, including the little things. When I was saved, I became His. I am no longer mine. Everything I do needs to be for Him. I can't live my life for me. I have to live each minute, each second for Him. When I live totally for Him, the battles won't matter. My desires won't matter. "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you." I was told that I was created by Him and for Him. That is so very true. And when I start living my life according to that, anything Satan throws my way won't have any effect on me. Surrender - I have to surrender me - all of me, every single part of me. I have to let go, completely let go of me and let God be in total control. It's not about what I want, but about what God wants. That's the reason I'm here ... the reason He saved me.


(written 11/20/09)

Is God Enough?

Is God Enough? A question that keeps coming to mind lately. Is God really enough? As a child of God, I would say, "Yes. He's God. He's holy, righteous, and pure. He is love. He created the universe just by speaking. The winds and waves obey Him when He speaks. He is my Shepherd. I am His sheep. So God is enough." So, then, why am I having such a hard time with this concept of God being enough? When there is no one else, there is always God. He never leaves us nor forsakens us. When others abandon us, God doesn't. God knows everything about us - the good, the bad, and the ugly - and He still loves us. He still gives us grace and mercy. He is still here. So, why then, am I having a hard time with this? Why does this question keep coming to mind? Right now, it seems as though it's just me and God. Everyone else has left - or so it seems. I don't hear their voices. I don't receive their emails. It's just me and God. And yet, I feel so lonely. If God is enough, and I am His child, then why do I feel so lonely? Why do I feel as though I need others to make my life complete? God is enough! That's what I keep telling myself - He's enough, I don't need others to be fulfilled. And yet, the loneliness lingers like a bad odor. The tears flow like a raging river. Is God really truly enough??? If you are a Christian, your response will quickly be, "Of course, God is enough!!" And you may wonder why I could be struggling with this as much as I am. Well, I'm wondering the same thing as to why I'm struggling with this question/concept. If you are not a Christian, or just don't really think about God, you may or may not be struggling with this same question. I think about this question constantly trying to understand. My spirit knows the truth - yes, God is enough; however, trying to convince my mind and emotions of this fact is really hard at the moment. But as I ask myself that question over and over again, I can't help but sense that God is trying to teach me something. As though He's wanting to get me to understand it all at a deeper level. As though He may be preparing me for something. Is God enough? If I'm having problems with this question, maybe there are others who struggle with it too. Deep down, I know that God IS definitely enough. Now the trick is to get my mind and emotions to believe it as well. And then to live life according to that fact - that God IS enough. And that I really don't need anyone/anything else in my life. And just maybe, God is doing some pruning to this child of His. And maybe it's more than just believing that He is enough, but also living as though He's enough. And as I type this blog post, I am reminded of a writing I did back in November. And I guess, tomorrow I will post that. Because maybe that writing fits in with this writing (post)..."Surrender".

Sunday's Verse - 6/13/10

"But see ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." Matthew 6:33

He Came To Die

He left Heaven's glory...to die.
He came as a baby...to die.
He grew into a teenager...to die.
He became an adult...to die.
He walked this earth...to die.
He loved us all enough...to die.

(written 3/8/10)

A Lesson In Pictures - Part 2

Yesterday, I posted four different pictures, and asked you to answer a few questions for each of them. In my opinion, each of those four pictures probably would not get sold for various reasons. Separately, the pictures are really nothing worth displaying on a wall. One or two may even be considered ugly. Some people who look at the four pictures I posted yesterday may wonder what the point is to those pictures. Why would anyone take those pictures to begin with? Well, I took those four pictures. But I didn't take those pictures separately. Those four pictures are just parts of the above picture. And I think this picture is beautiful. I don't think it's beautiful because I took the picture. I think the scenery itself is beautiful. So what's the point to all of this? What's the lesson?

God knows everything. He knows the past, present, and future about everything and everyone. He sees the whole picture. We only see the parts - our parts. When we experience hard times, trials, "storms", we don't honestly understand. We hate those times. We wish we never had them. We want the good times to remain all of the time. Sometimes we don't understand how any good can come out of our difficult times. Some situations aren't pretty. In fact, some of them are down right ugly. And we would just love for all of the ugly parts of our lives to just go away and never return. But then one thinks about God. God has a plan for everything. He sees the whole picture. He sees the whole plan. As we focus on just our parts, God is seeing the whole picture. To Him that picture is beautiful. Just like those four pictures I posted yesterday. They by themselves aren't that great to look at. But I had seen the whole picture. I knew how each of those four pictures fit into the bigger picture. As you looked at the pictures yesterday, you might not have understood why a person took them. But they were only part of the whole. The bigger picture is beautiful. And so is life. To God, the bigger picture is beautiful, even when we think that the parts are ugly. When you put the parts into the bigger picture, they are a part of something so very beautiful.

I posted something on facebook right after God taught me this lesson. And what I posted, best sums all of this up:

We may not understand our trials. We may not even understand how God can work through our difficult times. But while we only see the parts, God sees the whole picture. And to Him, the whole picture is beautiful. So when times are tough, we need to just trust God to work out His great plan, especially when we don't understand.

I shared this lesson with a cousin of mine and I told her the following (including the above statement I had posted on facebook):

"A person may feel as though he/she is unimportant (maybe even ugly), but that person is needed to complete the whole picture. There may also be people who others feel are unimportant (maybe even ugly), but those people are just as important to complete the whole picture like everyone else.

Those four pictures - separately, they're no good, maybe even ugly. People probably wouldn't buy them if they were each sold in a frame. But guess what - each of those four pictures are part of this main picture. Makes you think, doesn't it?"

A Lesson In Pictures - Part 1

For today, I want to show you four pictures. I found these, and I wanted to share them with you. I want you to look at the pictures. However, for today, I want you to do more than just look at them, I want you to think about them and answer some questions.

Suppose you are at the store looking for pictures to hang on your walls at home. And you come across these four pictures. For each picture, please answer the following questions:

1) Is the picture pretty, beautiful, or ugly?

2) Would you buy this picture? Why or why not?

3) Would you tell your friends about this picture? Why or why not?

The Question That Left My Mind Speechless

To help you understand this post a little bit better, let me explain something to you first. I live totally in my mind. What does that mean? It means that I am constantly in my mind, mostly through daydreaming, but also through constantly thinking of something. Hardly am I ever living in the moment. I've read that this is part of BPD. I don't know if that's true or not, but I do know that it's part of me. I can't watch tv or do anything without seeing things in my mind. Is that completely daydreaming? I don't know. And if I'm not picturing anything in my mind, I'm thinking of things. My mind seems to go 100mph all the time. It never shuts up! So to have a question leave my mind speechless speaks volumes to me.

So, what was this question? And why did it leave my mind speechless? Well, I've talked about my different issues. Some I've been open about, and some I won't discuss. And for the past two years, I have been miserable. Let me just be honest. This has been a living hell for me. And I would love for all of these issues to just disappear and never return. I honestly don't want them. I hate them ... some more than others. And you know from previous posts that I am a Christian who believes in God. And I'm in the process of trying to depend on Him. And for the past two years, I have asked Him, "Why?" And I have asked Him on many occasions to make all of my issues go away. But God is righteous and holy. He is all-knowing and all-powerful. He can do anything He wants. He sees the past, the present, and the future. Well, a couple of weeks ago, I was dealing with some issues at an extreme high. And I wanted it all to go away. For right now, I won't go into all of those details. However, as I was thinking about everything that one night, it was as though God spoke to me. And He asked me a question ... a question that would leave my mind speechless.

"Nancy, what if I (God) chose not to remove any of your issues? What if, in my wisdom, I chose not to silence the voices, the negative thoughts? What if I chose not to remove the loneliness you feel. What if I never heal the broken relationships with family and friends? What if I never remove any of the issues related to BPD - the mood swings, the suicidal thoughts, the urges to cut? What if with all of your other issues, I chose to allow you to keep them all? What if, Nancy, I choose not to do anything about them? What then? Will you be miserable the rest of your life? Will you stop loving Me? Will you stop following Me? Will you stop serving Me? What would you do, Nancy?"

WOW!! That's some heavy stuff. And yes, my mind was speechless. There were no thoughts coming or going. There were no images in my mind. It was as though, at that point, God and I were beginning to communicate in the spirit. Because even though my mind was quiet, I could sense communication with my Heavenly Father continuing. Somehow I knew what He was trying to tell me. I understood what He was asking. Did I like it? Well, no! Not at all, but I understood. And it was something that would change my whole perspective on everything.

"But, You Don't Understand!"

I'm going to wait to continue my 3-step lesson with the last two lesson posts. Today, I want to talk about something else before I get too far along with my blogging.

I know that some of you who read my blog are born-again Christians, but I'm pretty sure there are those of you who read my blog that don't really believe in God or even want anything to do with Him or any type of religion. So for this post, I would like to address this situation.

There may be some of you reading this that wonder how on earth I can talk about God and what He is continuously doing for me. And some of the lessons He has taught me may cause you to wonder why. And if you suffer from any emotional issues, or even BPD, you may be wanting to tell me, "But, you don't understand!"

Let me explain some things to you. I do understand. I constantly deal with suicidal thoughts, the urge to cut, the negative thoughts that scream at me all the time, the mood swings - especially the anger and depression. I understand what it's like to be lonely. I understand what it's like to call out to God and wonder why He doesn't help me ... why it feels like He is so far away. And I understand some issues that you don't know that I deal with.

I was saved at a very young age, and I grew up in the church. My faith was a part of me. For me, it isn't about a religion or a denomination. It's about a relationship ... a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I grew up believing that God loves me and that sent His only Son to die for me and everyone on a cross so long ago. But, you see, I took all of that for granted. It was natural for me to believe all of that. To have that kind of faith was all I knew. It's what I've been taught my whole life. But something changed last fall. Something that would cause me to doubt and wonder how could God really truly love me. I was dealing with some issues that some would consider very bad. (I won't go into details.) And I saw me for who I really am - a filthy, vile sinner. So how could a righteous God love me?! I started doubting that He could. And some things took place from Oct-Dec 2009, and I found myself at a point where I could no longer trust God or believe in Him. Did I lose my salvation? NO! But I did lose my faith in Him. I wanted to believe Him. I wanted to believe what His Word (the Bible) said. But at that point, I couldn't, no matter how much I wanted to. Well, I was introduced to a person who became my friend, and with her help, I learned to trust God again, and believe that He is trustworthy and that He does love me. So what did I do for this to happen? I started reading the book of John in the Bible. That's all I was able to do at that point. At first, I still doubted, but as I read a chapter each day, God started to help me get my faith back. That time when I couldn't trust God or believe, was probably the darkest time of my life.

I don't have all of the answers. I still have all of my issues. They haven't gone away. I still struggle. Yes, I'm a child of God; however, there are times that trusting Him is so very difficult. There are times when I just don't understand. I don't understand why I deal with everything I deal with. I don't understand the issues related to BPD. I don't understand the loneliness that I feel the majority of the time. I don't understand why I've lost friends and family because of certain situations. Some I understand why they don't talk to me anymore ... but I don't understand why the situations came up to begin with. "Let go and let God" - so very easy to say, but so very difficult to do. And there are times that when I think I can do that - let go and let God, something happens to cause me to say, "Are You sure, Lord?!"

If you don't believe in God or don't believe Him, please listen to me. I don't have it all together. I don't have my life all figured out. Yes, I try to depend on God. But sometimes, it is hard. It's a learning process. It is a journey. That is why I write this blog. I want to share what God is in the process of teaching me. It's ongoing. This process is constantly moving. I'm not there yet. I'm still learning. But even through my difficult times, I know that God is here. And more importantly than that, God loves me no matter what. And guess what - God loves you too - NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!

GOD LOVES YOU!!!
JESUS DIED FOR YOU!!!

And it doesn't matter what you have done. It doesn't matter what you are going through - the fact remains: God Loves You!!!!!

Quicksand

Let's think about quicksand for a moment. What does quicksand do? Well, if you ever watch tv or movies, you know quicksand causes a person to sink. The person is stuck and can't get out. And the more a person moves, trying to get out, the faster he/she sinks.

Now, if you are like me and watch MythBusters on the Discovery Channel, you may know that they did a segment on quicksand, and according to them, this quicksand "theory" isn't true. Basically, through experiments, the guys on Mythbusters busted this idea of quicksand. However, for a lesson that I needed to learn, and a lesson you may need to learn as well, we will just assume that what we see on tv and in the movies about quicksand is indeed real.

So, what made me start thinking about quicksand a couple of weeks ago? Well, a friend knows that I deal with emotional issues. And we were talking one night. And apparently she was dealing with issues as well. And we both were telling the other that we try to move forward, but don't seem to get anywhere. And she mentioned how it was like being in quicksand. And I totally agreed with her. We continued to chit-chat and when we were done, we finished our conversation and went on with our day. The next day, I started to think about quicksand and the following thoughts entered my mind. And I want to share them with you.

When a person gets stuck in quicksand, he/she can't move or get out...at least not on their own. The more one moves trying to get out, the more the person sinks and at a faster rate. The person cannot get out on his/her own - no matter how hard he/she tries. Someone else has to help the person in the quicksand get out. So, how does this relate to me...how does it relate to you?

I deal with mood swings and other issues that I have discussed in previous posts. For the past two years, I have been trying to move forward. But it seems that every time I move forward, something happens to "knock me back down." I end up going backwards instead. I don't go anywhere. And yes, when the thoughts of suicide enter my mind, and the urges to cut surface, I try to fight them, but it doesn't seem to help. I seem to sink deeper into my emotional trauma. Sometimes the emotions are just too much to bear. But as I thought about quicksand, I thought about me. What is the best way to deal with quicksand? One must be still. And one must depend on another to help him/her out. For those of us who deal with emotional issues, that other maybe medication, maybe therapy, maybe a friend to talk to and lean on. But for me, that other is my Heavenly Father. When I am dealing with all of my emotional junk, I can't fight it. I've tried, and I get nowhere. But lately, God is trying to tell me something...teach me something. I must be still. The more I fight, the harder I fight...the faster I sink. I don't get out of my situation. My situation instead gets worse. I can't get out on my own. Just like quicksand. I need someone to help me. And that Someone is God. And as I thought about quicksand that day and even now, I remember a verse in the Bible: Psalm 46:10a, "Be still, and know that I am God." WOW! I am to be still. I am to totally depend on God to help me. Eventually, I will be removed from my "quicksand." Will God remove me as quickly as I would like? Probably not, but He will remove me when the time is right. But I know that I can't deal with this without Him. I MUST depend on another...and that other (for me) needs to be my Heavenly Father.

I need to treat and deal with my emotional (and other) issues as though I am in quicksand. I need to be still and allow God to work and help me. Because if I don't, and I continue to "fight" my issues, I will only sink faster and will definitely not go anywhere. Is this easy to do? Well, no! Not at all. But then another verse comes to mind: Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." It's not easy, but it is doable.

Letting Go

Here in my hands I'm holding on
To the thing that separates me from You
I'm not wanting to let go
But knowing that's what I must do

Knowing You want the best for me
Doesn't make it any easier
The pain I feel overwhelms me
My eyes are filled with tears

But if I am to allow You
To be Lord of my life
I need to let go of my desires
In the midst of this strife

So, Lord, I open my hands
This is the best I can do
Please take this thing
That separates me from You

(written 1/5/10)

Sunday's Verses (6/6/10)

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved." John 3:16-17

The 3-Step Lesson

Well, I was going to wait to share the 3-step lesson that I was taught over the past couple of weeks; however, my emotional rollercoaster hit hard last night, and I felt as though it was time to share the lesson with you. I needed to be reminded of it myself, and I think others may benefit from it as well. The 3-step lesson will be shared in three different posts. I will tackle one per day: "Quicksand," "The Question That Left My Mind Speechless," and "A Lesson In Pictures."

Since tomorrow is Sunday, I will probably not do my normal posting. I need to go to church in the morning. I haven't really been going regularly since October of last fall. I may not have been in church over the past 6-7 months (except a few times here and there), but God and I have been traveling a journey that He and I needed to travel alone. He has had a couple of people join us along the way, but the time came for those to leave this journey of mine. So, now it's just me and God again; however, it is time to rejoin my church family. So, I guess on Sundays I will just post a verse to share with you.

The 3-Step Lesson - What God has taught me through my struggles...

Battles, Struggles, and Storms - Part 1

We all have our battles. We all struggle with issues. And we all have to face the storms of life that wear us down. What are my battles? What do I struggle with? Too much in my opinion. I suffer from BPD, and that alone gives me more battles than I care to deal with.

I constantly have negative thoughts that run through my head telling me: "I'm no good. I'm not anyone special. That I don't deserve to be alive. That I should just go ahead and kill myself. No one cares about me. Why should they? They're better off without me." The thoughts scream in my head; sometimes to the point where all I want to do is scream back. But I don't. I struggle with them day in and day out. Right now, those negative thoughts are quiet. Surprisingly, they're quiet. But I'm sure they will be back. The question is: "Will I be ready for them?" You may be thinking, "Why do you listen to them? They're lies. Don't listen to them." I try to tell myself that they're lies, but it doesn't help...at least not when the thoughts are screaming in my head. They get so loud that they are hard to ignore. And besides, I've been hearing these same thoughts my entire life. In a sense, I've heard these lies for so long, they have, in their way, become my truth. So now I find myself trying to retrain my neurons trying to convince myself that these negative thoughts are indeed lies. But that isn't always an easy task.

What else do I struggle with? Suicidal thoughts. I constantly struggle with suicidal thoughts and the desire to die. Don't ask me why. I honestly don't know. All I know is that suicidal ideation/thoughts are part of BPD. Oh, joy! But I'm still alive. I can't count how many times I've been close to attempting suicide these past couple of years. Too many to count, in fact. My last suicidal episode was about a month ago. But that's another blog post. But I'm still alive. But only by the grace of God. (And I do not say that lightly.) It has only been by the grace of God that I have not attempted suicide or allowed myself to die. He wants me to stay alive. Sometimes I don't agree with Him, but here I am...alive and writing this post.

Another joy (NOT!) about BPD is that I cut. What do I cut? Myself...I cut myself. Mostly on my left arm. My cuts aren't deep. They're more like cat scratches. Actually, I think the cats we have cut deeper than I do. However, there have been times when I have cut a little deeper. Those are the scars that stay with me. Why do I cut? For a release. Sometimes the emotional pain is so great, that the only way I can deal with it is to cut myself. I've always self-injured, but I didn't start cutting until March 2008. For me, physical pain is a whole lot easier to deal with than the emotional pain. That's why I self-injure.

Besides the suicidal thoughts/desires and cutting, my other main struggle related to BPD is my fear of abandonment - real or imaginary. This one has cost me several friendships. How? When I'm afraid I'm losing someone, I get angry. I don't know why, but I do. And the anger gets so overwhelming that I lash out. Who wants to continue being friends with a person who lashes out with extreme anger in his/her direction?! No one does. So, needless to say, I have lost several friends, even family, due to my issues with BPD. And when I think about that, well the negative thoughts begin screaming in my head telling me that I'm no good and I don't deserve to be alive, and that I should just go ahead and kill myself. And these thoughts get so loud that the only way I can deal with them at times is cut my own body. One vicious cycle that never seems to end.

I have other issues that I struggle with. Issues that I won't go into detail about. Those issues are private. But like me, you have struggles that you don't mind sharing with others and struggles that you prefer not to talk about. We all do. We all have our battles. We all have our struggles. Mine may not be the same as yours, but your struggles probably bother you the same as my struggles bother me. So, how do we each handle our different battles, struggles, and storms? I'll will discuss what I have been learning in a future post: "Battles, Struggles, and Storms - Part 2."

The Forbidden Acronym

suffering
under
intense
confusing
indescribable
debilitating
emotions


If you want to stir up a lot of different emotions among a lot of different people, post this acronym on Facebook. Oh wait, I did! Back in October. October 13, 2009 at 9:28am to be exact. Why would I do something like that? Because at the time, it described exactly how I felt. I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself. Why? Because I was seriously suffering under intense confusing indescribable debilitating emotions. And unless you have been to that point yourself, you'll never understand. Was it for attention? NO! Was it so I could get "chewed out" from friends and family? NO! I was suffering emotionally, and the only way I knew how to cry out for help was just to put this acronym on Facebook. Suicide - a topic many people don't want to talk about. A topic some people don't understand. That day I needed someone to understand. I knew of a cousin who dealt with emotional issues like I did. I knew she had been hospitalized years before, but wasn't sure if it was due to a suicide attempt. So I contacted her sister, another cousin of mine, that day. I wasn't sure which she checked first, facebook or email. So I sent this cousin the same message on both that day. "Did your sister ever attempt suicide?" That day I needed to talk to someone who really understood my pain and my desire to die. That day seemed like I was surrounded by a fog. It was so surreal. My cousin replied to both the messages on facebook and email. "I just talked to her. Here's her number. Call her. She's waiting." I did call her. In fact, I called her several times that day. And if I didn't have her to talk to, I would have killed myself. Why? Because the pain was too great to deal with, and I wanted so much to die. That day was a nightmare for me. I won't go into everything that happened that day. All I will say is that four cousins supported me and encouraged me that day, including a couple of cousins I barely know. I survived that day. It wasn't easy. And sometimes, it still isn't easy. Do I still deal with those emotions? More times than I care to count. Am I there now? Not at this moment. Will I be at that place again? More than likely. But for now, I'll just enjoy my "up" time. I haven't had many of those since February 2008. So when I have an "up" time, I choose to enjoy it for as long as I can.

Please, Don't Leave Me

When the urge to cut comes my way
Please, don't leave me

When thoughts of suicide enter my mind
Please, don't leave me

When my mood shifts from good to bad
Please, don't leave me

When the symptoms of BPD get the best of me
Please, don't leave me

But instead...

Please, teach me to trust people again

Please, help me to believe in myself

Please, let me know that you care

Please, encourage me when life seems so dark

Whatever you do...
Please, don't give up on me
Please, don't leave me
I need to know you care!


(written 8/9/09)

About Me

I am a wife and a mother of two girls. Two years ago, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). My life was going well, at least I thought it was, until February 2008. All of a sudden, my life changed...drastically. What I thought would be a quick fix turned out to be a rough two-year journey. Instead of things getting better, things only got worse. After almost two and a half years, I'm still on this journey; still learning how to cope with BPD and all of the wonderful (NOT!) things that go along with it. I've had my ups and downs, and continue to have my rollercoaster of emotions. But even though this journey has been tough, and I've hated most of it, I've learned quite a bit about myself. And more importantly than that, I've learned more about my Heavenly Father and His great love for me. Without Him, I am nothing; with Him, I am everything.

A Love Story - Part 1

Tami's Story

I can't believe I am sitting here in this dreary, plain white waiting room at two o'clock in the morning. We had such a wonderful evening celebrating our twentieth wedding anniversary. But now, I find myself waiting, wondering if I will ever have the chance to speak to my beloved one more time.

Oh, I remember the first time I ever laid eyes on him. He was so handsome. He had the smile that would melt your heart. And his eyes, oh his eyes, they were like pure clear blue glass. And when he spoke, it was like the glorious waves crashing against the rocks on the seashore.

We were at our high school homecoming dance. He was a senior, and I was a junior. I had never seen him before. I thought I was familiar with everyone at school, but this night proved me wrong. I spotted him from across the room. He wore the sharpest suit. It was black like the nighttime sky, but shimmered like the sun. His tie matched his gray shirt perfectly as though they were made from the same material.

As I stood there admiring this handsome young man, he started to walk in my direction. Could this be my lucky day? Could this fine handsome man be coming to see me, a plain ordinary girl? He did indeed come to me, and he asked me to dance. I thought I was in a fairytale. I imagined myself as Cinderella and he as my prince. He took me by the hand and led me along the dance floor. With his other arm around my waist, he guided my every movement. We followed the rhythm of the music - not too fast, not too slow. He looked me in my eye - as if to say, "Trust me." As though he knew I didn't know the steps. I had never danced before that night. I was nervous and not sure if I was doing it right. But somehow I trusted him. Somehow knowing he wouldn't lead me wrong. Knowing that he had my best interest at heart. As we moved across the dance floor, I felt safe - safe in his arms. I had no need to worry; no need to fear. He led with perfect precision making sure I was able to follow. The movements were soft and beautiful mirroring a love one has for another. It seemed as though we danced forever. Little did I know then, that he and I would be dancing throughout our lives together. That night, not only was he my first dance partner, but he became my life partner.

It was five years later, when we were finally able to get married. The wedding was so beautiful and so very special. He wore a bright white tuxedo with a red bow tie and vest, and I wore a semi-fancy white wedding gown. The bridesmaids wore simple yet elegant red dresses while the groomsmen wore gray tuxedoes with the red bow ties and vests. Everything matched so perfectly. The music we chose celebrated not only our love for one another, but also our love for God. In fact, the whole ceremony was a celebration of mine and Conrad's love as well as God's love for us. It was such a special day for all of us who participated, and it was a day I will never forget.

During our reception, we were able to dance for the first time as husband and wife. It took me back to the first time we met during that high school homecoming dance. Dancing with Conrad on our wedding day was just as special if not more so as the first time we ever danced together. He took me by the hand and led me along the dance floor. With his other arm around my waist, he guided my every movement. We followed the rhythm of the music - not too fast, not too slow. He looked me in my eye - as if to say "Trust me." For he understood that this was all new to me. I had never danced as his wife before that day. I was nervous and not sure if I was going to do it right. But somehow I trusted him. Somehow knowing he wouldn't lead me wrong. Knowing that he had my best interest at heart. As we moved across the dance floor, I felt safe - safe in his arms. I had no need to worry; no need to fear. He led with perfect precision making sure I was able to follow. The movements were soft and beautiful mirroring the love he had for me. It seemed as though we danced forever. We have been dancing forever as husband and wife for the past twenty years.

These past twenty years as Conrad's wife has been so very wonderful. I have never loved someone as much as I love Conrad. He has taken care of me from the first day we met. He has put my needs above his own. He has showered me with great affection and with great admiration. My life has been complete by having Conrad as my dance and life partner. I am so blessed to have him in my life.

Last night, we celebrated twenty years of marriage. He took me to this fancy expensive restaurant. He wore a fine looking gray suit while I wore the beautiful blue dress he had bought for me. We had such a lovely time together. We talked about the first time we met. We talked about our wedding day and how special it was. We even took time to reflect on the days each of our three children were born. As we ate supper, we just spent time reflecting and reminiscing about our lives together. It was so special. After we arrived back home, he asked me to dance. I have been living in my fairytale for the past twenty-five years since Conrad and I first met. I have been his Cinderella, and he has been my prince. As the music started to play, he took me by the hand and led me along the dance floor. With his other arm around my waist, he guided my every movement. We followed the rhythm of the music - not too fast, not too slow. He looked me in my eye - as if to say "Trust me." I did trust him. In fact, I have been trusting him for the past twenty-five years. I know he would never lead me wrong. Knowing that he has had my best interest at heart. As we moved across the dance floor, I felt safe - safe in his arms. I had no need to worry; no need to fear. He led with perfect precision making sure I was able to follow. The movements were soft and beautiful mirroring the love he has for me. It seemed as though we danced forever.

As we finished our dance, Conrad collapsed into my arms. He stopped breathing, and I couldn't find his pulse. I called for an ambulance hoping and praying that they would arrive in time to save my beloved Conrad. I have been here at the hospital for the past hour or so waiting to hear something. Waiting to hear if I will dance with my beloved Conrad once again.

Well, the doctor just came to tell me the news. My beloved has gone home to be with the Lord. As I sit here, reflecting on our years together, I wonder how I will survive without my beloved. How will I continue to live without my true love? I've never done this before. I don't know how to live my life without Conrad...without my beloved. How, Lord, do I carry on? How do I move forward? How will I be able to do this?

He takes me by the hand and leads me along the dance floor. With his other arm around my waist, he guides my every movement. We follow the rhythm of the music - not too fast, not too slow. He looks me in my eye - as if to say, "Trust me." For he knows I don't know the steps. I've never danced before tonight. I'm nervous and not sure if I'm doing it right. But somehow I trust him. Somehow knowing he won't lead me wrong. Knowing that he has my best interest at heart. As we move across the dance floor, I feel safe - safe in his arms. I have no need to worry; no need to fear. He leads with perfect precision making sure I'm able to follow. The movements are soft and beautiful mirroring the love he has for me. It seems as though we dance forever. We will dance forever as my Heavenly Father takes my hand and leads me along the dance floor.


(Written 3/18/10)

New Beginnings

Today is the first day to a new month. Well, in a sense, I guess it's also the first day to a new beginning. I'm putting my past behind me, and I'm starting over. I've been on a very tough two-year journey. But I have survived. I have the scars to prove it...the emotional ones along with the physical ones. It hasn't been easy, and I haven't "arrived" yet. I'm still learning; still moving forward. But the lessons I have learned (and continue to learn), I need to share them. I need to help others along their journeys. Life isn't easy. And life isn't fair. We all have our battles. We all have our struggles. That's life. And yes, sometimes life just stinks. But beyond the stinky part of life, there is something wonderful...something beautiful. I don't have the answers, but I know who does. And along my journey, He continues to show me those answers each step of the way and on a "need to know" basis. Why this blog? Because, there are others who struggle with the same things I struggle with, and I want them to know that there IS hope.

Beautifully Broken

I asked the Lord, "What does it mean to be beautifully broken?".

And this was His reply...

"My child, beautifully broken means that I see something beautiful in a life that's so very broken. I see the potential of a life so worn. I look into her eyes and see the pain that she carries deep within. I see her pain screaming, so desperately trying to get out. She is so very broken, but yet, I can still see her beauty. I still see the masterpiece that I created. I am the Potter. You are the clay. I created you so full of beauty, so full of life. You were beautiful to Me, and you still are. But Satan took you and threw you down. You broke into many pieces, but that wasn't enough for him. He kicked you, stomped on you, and made sure your broken pieces became too many to count. You became so very broken. But you're still beautiful to Me. You're beautiful because I made you. You're beautiful because you're Mine. I don't see the broken pieces, but rather I see the masterpiece I created. I planned you. I wanted you. But Satan wanted to hurt Me, so he destroyed you. And he left you to die. And you have been dying ever since. But you're still Mine. And I still want you. And I still love you. You may be broken, but you're still beautiful to Me. I will pick you up piece by piece for as long as it takes, and I will so delicately and so tenderly put you back together until you are whole once again. My child, you may be broken into zillions of pieces, but you are still beautiful to Me. And I will always love you for all eternity. My child, being beautifully broken means that God takes a life who is so broken, just as she is and transforms her into pure beauty so that the world can see His wonderful glory through this transformation. I take you just as you are - broken, battered, and worn - and I transform you into My beauty and into My image. My child, my precious child, yes you are so very broken, but you're beautifully broken to Me."

(Written 4/8/2010)