"But, You Don't Understand!"

I'm going to wait to continue my 3-step lesson with the last two lesson posts. Today, I want to talk about something else before I get too far along with my blogging.

I know that some of you who read my blog are born-again Christians, but I'm pretty sure there are those of you who read my blog that don't really believe in God or even want anything to do with Him or any type of religion. So for this post, I would like to address this situation.

There may be some of you reading this that wonder how on earth I can talk about God and what He is continuously doing for me. And some of the lessons He has taught me may cause you to wonder why. And if you suffer from any emotional issues, or even BPD, you may be wanting to tell me, "But, you don't understand!"

Let me explain some things to you. I do understand. I constantly deal with suicidal thoughts, the urge to cut, the negative thoughts that scream at me all the time, the mood swings - especially the anger and depression. I understand what it's like to be lonely. I understand what it's like to call out to God and wonder why He doesn't help me ... why it feels like He is so far away. And I understand some issues that you don't know that I deal with.

I was saved at a very young age, and I grew up in the church. My faith was a part of me. For me, it isn't about a religion or a denomination. It's about a relationship ... a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I grew up believing that God loves me and that sent His only Son to die for me and everyone on a cross so long ago. But, you see, I took all of that for granted. It was natural for me to believe all of that. To have that kind of faith was all I knew. It's what I've been taught my whole life. But something changed last fall. Something that would cause me to doubt and wonder how could God really truly love me. I was dealing with some issues that some would consider very bad. (I won't go into details.) And I saw me for who I really am - a filthy, vile sinner. So how could a righteous God love me?! I started doubting that He could. And some things took place from Oct-Dec 2009, and I found myself at a point where I could no longer trust God or believe in Him. Did I lose my salvation? NO! But I did lose my faith in Him. I wanted to believe Him. I wanted to believe what His Word (the Bible) said. But at that point, I couldn't, no matter how much I wanted to. Well, I was introduced to a person who became my friend, and with her help, I learned to trust God again, and believe that He is trustworthy and that He does love me. So what did I do for this to happen? I started reading the book of John in the Bible. That's all I was able to do at that point. At first, I still doubted, but as I read a chapter each day, God started to help me get my faith back. That time when I couldn't trust God or believe, was probably the darkest time of my life.

I don't have all of the answers. I still have all of my issues. They haven't gone away. I still struggle. Yes, I'm a child of God; however, there are times that trusting Him is so very difficult. There are times when I just don't understand. I don't understand why I deal with everything I deal with. I don't understand the issues related to BPD. I don't understand the loneliness that I feel the majority of the time. I don't understand why I've lost friends and family because of certain situations. Some I understand why they don't talk to me anymore ... but I don't understand why the situations came up to begin with. "Let go and let God" - so very easy to say, but so very difficult to do. And there are times that when I think I can do that - let go and let God, something happens to cause me to say, "Are You sure, Lord?!"

If you don't believe in God or don't believe Him, please listen to me. I don't have it all together. I don't have my life all figured out. Yes, I try to depend on God. But sometimes, it is hard. It's a learning process. It is a journey. That is why I write this blog. I want to share what God is in the process of teaching me. It's ongoing. This process is constantly moving. I'm not there yet. I'm still learning. But even through my difficult times, I know that God is here. And more importantly than that, God loves me no matter what. And guess what - God loves you too - NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!

GOD LOVES YOU!!!
JESUS DIED FOR YOU!!!

And it doesn't matter what you have done. It doesn't matter what you are going through - the fact remains: God Loves You!!!!!