I asked a friend of mine just a few minutes ago to give me a topic to write on today, and this was what she gave me: "A Real Meaning To Be Alive." My first reaction is great, give a person who constantly deals with suicidal ideation, the topic on the real meaning to be alive. But hey, I'm up for the challenge.
I've wanted to die so many times since Feb '08. I can't count how many times I've thought about killing myself. There are others who share in this same struggle. Why should I be alive? Why should I live, when most of the time I prefer to be dead? My pastor told me once, in a heated discussion, because he knew at that moment, I would walk out of his office and kill myself (or at least attempt), "IT'S NOT YOUR CALL!!!" He was telling me that I didn't have (and still don't have) the authority to make that decision. That call, that authority, only belongs to God. God brought me into this world, and only God can take me out. When I am in my right mind and can think clearly, I know that even if I attempt suicide, I will only die if God allows me to. Why should I live? What is the real meaning to being alive? When I am all alone (or at least feel as though I am), should I continue to live? Why? Most people would tell me, "Live for your girls." In fact, everyone who has tried to talk me out of suicide has made the statement(s): "Live for your girls. Think about your girls. Etc" I want to scream, "What about me? Shouldn't I live for me? Aren't I worth something to live just for me? Am I suppose to stay alive just because of my girls? What about me? Can you give me a reason to live other than it being about others?" And as I sit here thinking about all of this, thoughts come to mind.
Why should I stay alive? Why should anyone continue to live? Why shouldn't a person commit suicide? GOD WANTS YOU!!! GOD PLANNED YOU AND WANTS YOU (AND ME)!!! God loves us so much that He gave up His only Son to die a cruel, inhumane death on a cross for you and for me. God wants me! God wants you! God has a special, special plan for each of us. All we need to do is surrender us to Him and allow Him to accomplish His plan for our lives. Sometimes we won't agree with His plan. But God knows best. He's God - HE KNOWS BEST!!! So why do we fight Him? Why do we doubt Him? Why do we hide from Him? If His way is best, then why do we insist on doing things our way? He promises us an abundant life. (I can't find the scripture reference right now - will add it later when I find it.)
Can I give you and myself a real meaning (a real reason) to be alive? Yes, I can.
1) God planned each of us.
2) God wanted (and still does) each of us.
3) God loves each of us so much. Nothing can separate us from God's love. Romans 8:38-39 says, "For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
4) God has a wonderful plan for each of us. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the thoughts (plans) that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end."
5) Psalm 139 - READ IT!
6) The Creator of the universe thought of you and He thought of me. How awesome is that!! There is a song that has been out for several years now titled, "My Best Friend Is The Creator Of The Universe." How cool! How awesome! That the Creator of the universe wants me and He wants you!
The real meaning to be alive: Allowing God to be God in our lives. Allowing Him to be in total control (since He does know what's best for each of us). And to allow God to work out His wonderful plan for us. We need to trust Him, surrender to Him, and trust Him again with us - the good, the bad, and the ugly. He wants every part of us - even the parts we don't even want. God loves us that much. And we may not understand it all, but God sees the big full picture (plan) and He knows how all of these pieces of our lives fit into that plan to make it so very beautiful and wonderful. God isn't asking us to understand. He isn't asking us to even like everything that enters our lives (such as trials and difficult times). And He understands at times, it's painful - very painful. All He wants is for us to just trust Him. Trust Him! He wants each of us to let go and trust Him, especially when we don't understand. That my friend, is the real meaning to being alive!
Showing posts with label Spiritual. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Spiritual. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Surrender
"All to Jesus I surrender. All to Him I freely give. I will ever love and trust Him. In His presence daily live. I surrender all. I surrender all. All to thee, my blessed Savior, I surrender all."
Surrender - a word that keeps coming to mind today. What does it mean? I looked it up online. Several definitions popped up ... To give up; to hand over; to abandon; to give of oneself.
Letting go. Letting completely go. We use the phrase, "Let go and let God." But how many of us actually do that?! It's easier said than done. But what are we suppose to surrender? Everything - all to Jesus I surrender - isn't that how the song goes? Everything - ALL ... My fears, disappointments, worries, my past, my present, my future, my joys, my struggles, my battles, friendships, family, my goals, my desires, my dreams, etc. The list goes on and on. God wants every part of me ... Every single part of me, including the little things. When I was saved, I became His. I am no longer mine. Everything I do needs to be for Him. I can't live my life for me. I have to live each minute, each second for Him. When I live totally for Him, the battles won't matter. My desires won't matter. "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you." I was told that I was created by Him and for Him. That is so very true. And when I start living my life according to that, anything Satan throws my way won't have any effect on me. Surrender - I have to surrender me - all of me, every single part of me. I have to let go, completely let go of me and let God be in total control. It's not about what I want, but about what God wants. That's the reason I'm here ... the reason He saved me.
(written 11/20/09)
Surrender - a word that keeps coming to mind today. What does it mean? I looked it up online. Several definitions popped up ... To give up; to hand over; to abandon; to give of oneself.
Letting go. Letting completely go. We use the phrase, "Let go and let God." But how many of us actually do that?! It's easier said than done. But what are we suppose to surrender? Everything - all to Jesus I surrender - isn't that how the song goes? Everything - ALL ... My fears, disappointments, worries, my past, my present, my future, my joys, my struggles, my battles, friendships, family, my goals, my desires, my dreams, etc. The list goes on and on. God wants every part of me ... Every single part of me, including the little things. When I was saved, I became His. I am no longer mine. Everything I do needs to be for Him. I can't live my life for me. I have to live each minute, each second for Him. When I live totally for Him, the battles won't matter. My desires won't matter. "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you." I was told that I was created by Him and for Him. That is so very true. And when I start living my life according to that, anything Satan throws my way won't have any effect on me. Surrender - I have to surrender me - all of me, every single part of me. I have to let go, completely let go of me and let God be in total control. It's not about what I want, but about what God wants. That's the reason I'm here ... the reason He saved me.
(written 11/20/09)
Monday, June 14, 2010
Is God Enough?
Is God Enough? A question that keeps coming to mind lately. Is God really enough? As a child of God, I would say, "Yes. He's God. He's holy, righteous, and pure. He is love. He created the universe just by speaking. The winds and waves obey Him when He speaks. He is my Shepherd. I am His sheep. So God is enough." So, then, why am I having such a hard time with this concept of God being enough? When there is no one else, there is always God. He never leaves us nor forsakens us. When others abandon us, God doesn't. God knows everything about us - the good, the bad, and the ugly - and He still loves us. He still gives us grace and mercy. He is still here. So, why then, am I having a hard time with this? Why does this question keep coming to mind? Right now, it seems as though it's just me and God. Everyone else has left - or so it seems. I don't hear their voices. I don't receive their emails. It's just me and God. And yet, I feel so lonely. If God is enough, and I am His child, then why do I feel so lonely? Why do I feel as though I need others to make my life complete? God is enough! That's what I keep telling myself - He's enough, I don't need others to be fulfilled. And yet, the loneliness lingers like a bad odor. The tears flow like a raging river. Is God really truly enough??? If you are a Christian, your response will quickly be, "Of course, God is enough!!" And you may wonder why I could be struggling with this as much as I am. Well, I'm wondering the same thing as to why I'm struggling with this question/concept. If you are not a Christian, or just don't really think about God, you may or may not be struggling with this same question. I think about this question constantly trying to understand. My spirit knows the truth - yes, God is enough; however, trying to convince my mind and emotions of this fact is really hard at the moment. But as I ask myself that question over and over again, I can't help but sense that God is trying to teach me something. As though He's wanting to get me to understand it all at a deeper level. As though He may be preparing me for something. Is God enough? If I'm having problems with this question, maybe there are others who struggle with it too. Deep down, I know that God IS definitely enough. Now the trick is to get my mind and emotions to believe it as well. And then to live life according to that fact - that God IS enough. And that I really don't need anyone/anything else in my life. And just maybe, God is doing some pruning to this child of His. And maybe it's more than just believing that He is enough, but also living as though He's enough. And as I type this blog post, I am reminded of a writing I did back in November. And I guess, tomorrow I will post that. Because maybe that writing fits in with this writing (post)..."Surrender".
Saturday, June 12, 2010
He Came To Die
He left Heaven's glory...to die.
He came as a baby...to die.
He grew into a teenager...to die.
He became an adult...to die.
He walked this earth...to die.
He loved us all enough...to die.
(written 3/8/10)
He came as a baby...to die.
He grew into a teenager...to die.
He became an adult...to die.
He walked this earth...to die.
He loved us all enough...to die.
(written 3/8/10)
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
The Question That Left My Mind Speechless
To help you understand this post a little bit better, let me explain something to you first. I live totally in my mind. What does that mean? It means that I am constantly in my mind, mostly through daydreaming, but also through constantly thinking of something. Hardly am I ever living in the moment. I've read that this is part of BPD. I don't know if that's true or not, but I do know that it's part of me. I can't watch tv or do anything without seeing things in my mind. Is that completely daydreaming? I don't know. And if I'm not picturing anything in my mind, I'm thinking of things. My mind seems to go 100mph all the time. It never shuts up! So to have a question leave my mind speechless speaks volumes to me.
So, what was this question? And why did it leave my mind speechless? Well, I've talked about my different issues. Some I've been open about, and some I won't discuss. And for the past two years, I have been miserable. Let me just be honest. This has been a living hell for me. And I would love for all of these issues to just disappear and never return. I honestly don't want them. I hate them ... some more than others. And you know from previous posts that I am a Christian who believes in God. And I'm in the process of trying to depend on Him. And for the past two years, I have asked Him, "Why?" And I have asked Him on many occasions to make all of my issues go away. But God is righteous and holy. He is all-knowing and all-powerful. He can do anything He wants. He sees the past, the present, and the future. Well, a couple of weeks ago, I was dealing with some issues at an extreme high. And I wanted it all to go away. For right now, I won't go into all of those details. However, as I was thinking about everything that one night, it was as though God spoke to me. And He asked me a question ... a question that would leave my mind speechless.
"Nancy, what if I (God) chose not to remove any of your issues? What if, in my wisdom, I chose not to silence the voices, the negative thoughts? What if I chose not to remove the loneliness you feel. What if I never heal the broken relationships with family and friends? What if I never remove any of the issues related to BPD - the mood swings, the suicidal thoughts, the urges to cut? What if with all of your other issues, I chose to allow you to keep them all? What if, Nancy, I choose not to do anything about them? What then? Will you be miserable the rest of your life? Will you stop loving Me? Will you stop following Me? Will you stop serving Me? What would you do, Nancy?"
WOW!! That's some heavy stuff. And yes, my mind was speechless. There were no thoughts coming or going. There were no images in my mind. It was as though, at that point, God and I were beginning to communicate in the spirit. Because even though my mind was quiet, I could sense communication with my Heavenly Father continuing. Somehow I knew what He was trying to tell me. I understood what He was asking. Did I like it? Well, no! Not at all, but I understood. And it was something that would change my whole perspective on everything.
So, what was this question? And why did it leave my mind speechless? Well, I've talked about my different issues. Some I've been open about, and some I won't discuss. And for the past two years, I have been miserable. Let me just be honest. This has been a living hell for me. And I would love for all of these issues to just disappear and never return. I honestly don't want them. I hate them ... some more than others. And you know from previous posts that I am a Christian who believes in God. And I'm in the process of trying to depend on Him. And for the past two years, I have asked Him, "Why?" And I have asked Him on many occasions to make all of my issues go away. But God is righteous and holy. He is all-knowing and all-powerful. He can do anything He wants. He sees the past, the present, and the future. Well, a couple of weeks ago, I was dealing with some issues at an extreme high. And I wanted it all to go away. For right now, I won't go into all of those details. However, as I was thinking about everything that one night, it was as though God spoke to me. And He asked me a question ... a question that would leave my mind speechless.
"Nancy, what if I (God) chose not to remove any of your issues? What if, in my wisdom, I chose not to silence the voices, the negative thoughts? What if I chose not to remove the loneliness you feel. What if I never heal the broken relationships with family and friends? What if I never remove any of the issues related to BPD - the mood swings, the suicidal thoughts, the urges to cut? What if with all of your other issues, I chose to allow you to keep them all? What if, Nancy, I choose not to do anything about them? What then? Will you be miserable the rest of your life? Will you stop loving Me? Will you stop following Me? Will you stop serving Me? What would you do, Nancy?"
WOW!! That's some heavy stuff. And yes, my mind was speechless. There were no thoughts coming or going. There were no images in my mind. It was as though, at that point, God and I were beginning to communicate in the spirit. Because even though my mind was quiet, I could sense communication with my Heavenly Father continuing. Somehow I knew what He was trying to tell me. I understood what He was asking. Did I like it? Well, no! Not at all, but I understood. And it was something that would change my whole perspective on everything.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
"But, You Don't Understand!"
I'm going to wait to continue my 3-step lesson with the last two lesson posts. Today, I want to talk about something else before I get too far along with my blogging.
I know that some of you who read my blog are born-again Christians, but I'm pretty sure there are those of you who read my blog that don't really believe in God or even want anything to do with Him or any type of religion. So for this post, I would like to address this situation.
There may be some of you reading this that wonder how on earth I can talk about God and what He is continuously doing for me. And some of the lessons He has taught me may cause you to wonder why. And if you suffer from any emotional issues, or even BPD, you may be wanting to tell me, "But, you don't understand!"
Let me explain some things to you. I do understand. I constantly deal with suicidal thoughts, the urge to cut, the negative thoughts that scream at me all the time, the mood swings - especially the anger and depression. I understand what it's like to be lonely. I understand what it's like to call out to God and wonder why He doesn't help me ... why it feels like He is so far away. And I understand some issues that you don't know that I deal with.
I was saved at a very young age, and I grew up in the church. My faith was a part of me. For me, it isn't about a religion or a denomination. It's about a relationship ... a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I grew up believing that God loves me and that sent His only Son to die for me and everyone on a cross so long ago. But, you see, I took all of that for granted. It was natural for me to believe all of that. To have that kind of faith was all I knew. It's what I've been taught my whole life. But something changed last fall. Something that would cause me to doubt and wonder how could God really truly love me. I was dealing with some issues that some would consider very bad. (I won't go into details.) And I saw me for who I really am - a filthy, vile sinner. So how could a righteous God love me?! I started doubting that He could. And some things took place from Oct-Dec 2009, and I found myself at a point where I could no longer trust God or believe in Him. Did I lose my salvation? NO! But I did lose my faith in Him. I wanted to believe Him. I wanted to believe what His Word (the Bible) said. But at that point, I couldn't, no matter how much I wanted to. Well, I was introduced to a person who became my friend, and with her help, I learned to trust God again, and believe that He is trustworthy and that He does love me. So what did I do for this to happen? I started reading the book of John in the Bible. That's all I was able to do at that point. At first, I still doubted, but as I read a chapter each day, God started to help me get my faith back. That time when I couldn't trust God or believe, was probably the darkest time of my life.
I don't have all of the answers. I still have all of my issues. They haven't gone away. I still struggle. Yes, I'm a child of God; however, there are times that trusting Him is so very difficult. There are times when I just don't understand. I don't understand why I deal with everything I deal with. I don't understand the issues related to BPD. I don't understand the loneliness that I feel the majority of the time. I don't understand why I've lost friends and family because of certain situations. Some I understand why they don't talk to me anymore ... but I don't understand why the situations came up to begin with. "Let go and let God" - so very easy to say, but so very difficult to do. And there are times that when I think I can do that - let go and let God, something happens to cause me to say, "Are You sure, Lord?!"
If you don't believe in God or don't believe Him, please listen to me. I don't have it all together. I don't have my life all figured out. Yes, I try to depend on God. But sometimes, it is hard. It's a learning process. It is a journey. That is why I write this blog. I want to share what God is in the process of teaching me. It's ongoing. This process is constantly moving. I'm not there yet. I'm still learning. But even through my difficult times, I know that God is here. And more importantly than that, God loves me no matter what. And guess what - God loves you too - NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!
GOD LOVES YOU!!!
JESUS DIED FOR YOU!!!
And it doesn't matter what you have done. It doesn't matter what you are going through - the fact remains: God Loves You!!!!!
I know that some of you who read my blog are born-again Christians, but I'm pretty sure there are those of you who read my blog that don't really believe in God or even want anything to do with Him or any type of religion. So for this post, I would like to address this situation.
There may be some of you reading this that wonder how on earth I can talk about God and what He is continuously doing for me. And some of the lessons He has taught me may cause you to wonder why. And if you suffer from any emotional issues, or even BPD, you may be wanting to tell me, "But, you don't understand!"
Let me explain some things to you. I do understand. I constantly deal with suicidal thoughts, the urge to cut, the negative thoughts that scream at me all the time, the mood swings - especially the anger and depression. I understand what it's like to be lonely. I understand what it's like to call out to God and wonder why He doesn't help me ... why it feels like He is so far away. And I understand some issues that you don't know that I deal with.
I was saved at a very young age, and I grew up in the church. My faith was a part of me. For me, it isn't about a religion or a denomination. It's about a relationship ... a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I grew up believing that God loves me and that sent His only Son to die for me and everyone on a cross so long ago. But, you see, I took all of that for granted. It was natural for me to believe all of that. To have that kind of faith was all I knew. It's what I've been taught my whole life. But something changed last fall. Something that would cause me to doubt and wonder how could God really truly love me. I was dealing with some issues that some would consider very bad. (I won't go into details.) And I saw me for who I really am - a filthy, vile sinner. So how could a righteous God love me?! I started doubting that He could. And some things took place from Oct-Dec 2009, and I found myself at a point where I could no longer trust God or believe in Him. Did I lose my salvation? NO! But I did lose my faith in Him. I wanted to believe Him. I wanted to believe what His Word (the Bible) said. But at that point, I couldn't, no matter how much I wanted to. Well, I was introduced to a person who became my friend, and with her help, I learned to trust God again, and believe that He is trustworthy and that He does love me. So what did I do for this to happen? I started reading the book of John in the Bible. That's all I was able to do at that point. At first, I still doubted, but as I read a chapter each day, God started to help me get my faith back. That time when I couldn't trust God or believe, was probably the darkest time of my life.
I don't have all of the answers. I still have all of my issues. They haven't gone away. I still struggle. Yes, I'm a child of God; however, there are times that trusting Him is so very difficult. There are times when I just don't understand. I don't understand why I deal with everything I deal with. I don't understand the issues related to BPD. I don't understand the loneliness that I feel the majority of the time. I don't understand why I've lost friends and family because of certain situations. Some I understand why they don't talk to me anymore ... but I don't understand why the situations came up to begin with. "Let go and let God" - so very easy to say, but so very difficult to do. And there are times that when I think I can do that - let go and let God, something happens to cause me to say, "Are You sure, Lord?!"
If you don't believe in God or don't believe Him, please listen to me. I don't have it all together. I don't have my life all figured out. Yes, I try to depend on God. But sometimes, it is hard. It's a learning process. It is a journey. That is why I write this blog. I want to share what God is in the process of teaching me. It's ongoing. This process is constantly moving. I'm not there yet. I'm still learning. But even through my difficult times, I know that God is here. And more importantly than that, God loves me no matter what. And guess what - God loves you too - NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!
GOD LOVES YOU!!!
JESUS DIED FOR YOU!!!
And it doesn't matter what you have done. It doesn't matter what you are going through - the fact remains: God Loves You!!!!!
Monday, June 7, 2010
Quicksand
Let's think about quicksand for a moment. What does quicksand do? Well, if you ever watch tv or movies, you know quicksand causes a person to sink. The person is stuck and can't get out. And the more a person moves, trying to get out, the faster he/she sinks.
Now, if you are like me and watch MythBusters on the Discovery Channel, you may know that they did a segment on quicksand, and according to them, this quicksand "theory" isn't true. Basically, through experiments, the guys on Mythbusters busted this idea of quicksand. However, for a lesson that I needed to learn, and a lesson you may need to learn as well, we will just assume that what we see on tv and in the movies about quicksand is indeed real.
So, what made me start thinking about quicksand a couple of weeks ago? Well, a friend knows that I deal with emotional issues. And we were talking one night. And apparently she was dealing with issues as well. And we both were telling the other that we try to move forward, but don't seem to get anywhere. And she mentioned how it was like being in quicksand. And I totally agreed with her. We continued to chit-chat and when we were done, we finished our conversation and went on with our day. The next day, I started to think about quicksand and the following thoughts entered my mind. And I want to share them with you.
When a person gets stuck in quicksand, he/she can't move or get out...at least not on their own. The more one moves trying to get out, the more the person sinks and at a faster rate. The person cannot get out on his/her own - no matter how hard he/she tries. Someone else has to help the person in the quicksand get out. So, how does this relate to me...how does it relate to you?
I deal with mood swings and other issues that I have discussed in previous posts. For the past two years, I have been trying to move forward. But it seems that every time I move forward, something happens to "knock me back down." I end up going backwards instead. I don't go anywhere. And yes, when the thoughts of suicide enter my mind, and the urges to cut surface, I try to fight them, but it doesn't seem to help. I seem to sink deeper into my emotional trauma. Sometimes the emotions are just too much to bear. But as I thought about quicksand, I thought about me. What is the best way to deal with quicksand? One must be still. And one must depend on another to help him/her out. For those of us who deal with emotional issues, that other maybe medication, maybe therapy, maybe a friend to talk to and lean on. But for me, that other is my Heavenly Father. When I am dealing with all of my emotional junk, I can't fight it. I've tried, and I get nowhere. But lately, God is trying to tell me something...teach me something. I must be still. The more I fight, the harder I fight...the faster I sink. I don't get out of my situation. My situation instead gets worse. I can't get out on my own. Just like quicksand. I need someone to help me. And that Someone is God. And as I thought about quicksand that day and even now, I remember a verse in the Bible: Psalm 46:10a, "Be still, and know that I am God." WOW! I am to be still. I am to totally depend on God to help me. Eventually, I will be removed from my "quicksand." Will God remove me as quickly as I would like? Probably not, but He will remove me when the time is right. But I know that I can't deal with this without Him. I MUST depend on another...and that other (for me) needs to be my Heavenly Father.
I need to treat and deal with my emotional (and other) issues as though I am in quicksand. I need to be still and allow God to work and help me. Because if I don't, and I continue to "fight" my issues, I will only sink faster and will definitely not go anywhere. Is this easy to do? Well, no! Not at all. But then another verse comes to mind: Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." It's not easy, but it is doable.
Now, if you are like me and watch MythBusters on the Discovery Channel, you may know that they did a segment on quicksand, and according to them, this quicksand "theory" isn't true. Basically, through experiments, the guys on Mythbusters busted this idea of quicksand. However, for a lesson that I needed to learn, and a lesson you may need to learn as well, we will just assume that what we see on tv and in the movies about quicksand is indeed real.
So, what made me start thinking about quicksand a couple of weeks ago? Well, a friend knows that I deal with emotional issues. And we were talking one night. And apparently she was dealing with issues as well. And we both were telling the other that we try to move forward, but don't seem to get anywhere. And she mentioned how it was like being in quicksand. And I totally agreed with her. We continued to chit-chat and when we were done, we finished our conversation and went on with our day. The next day, I started to think about quicksand and the following thoughts entered my mind. And I want to share them with you.
When a person gets stuck in quicksand, he/she can't move or get out...at least not on their own. The more one moves trying to get out, the more the person sinks and at a faster rate. The person cannot get out on his/her own - no matter how hard he/she tries. Someone else has to help the person in the quicksand get out. So, how does this relate to me...how does it relate to you?
I deal with mood swings and other issues that I have discussed in previous posts. For the past two years, I have been trying to move forward. But it seems that every time I move forward, something happens to "knock me back down." I end up going backwards instead. I don't go anywhere. And yes, when the thoughts of suicide enter my mind, and the urges to cut surface, I try to fight them, but it doesn't seem to help. I seem to sink deeper into my emotional trauma. Sometimes the emotions are just too much to bear. But as I thought about quicksand, I thought about me. What is the best way to deal with quicksand? One must be still. And one must depend on another to help him/her out. For those of us who deal with emotional issues, that other maybe medication, maybe therapy, maybe a friend to talk to and lean on. But for me, that other is my Heavenly Father. When I am dealing with all of my emotional junk, I can't fight it. I've tried, and I get nowhere. But lately, God is trying to tell me something...teach me something. I must be still. The more I fight, the harder I fight...the faster I sink. I don't get out of my situation. My situation instead gets worse. I can't get out on my own. Just like quicksand. I need someone to help me. And that Someone is God. And as I thought about quicksand that day and even now, I remember a verse in the Bible: Psalm 46:10a, "Be still, and know that I am God." WOW! I am to be still. I am to totally depend on God to help me. Eventually, I will be removed from my "quicksand." Will God remove me as quickly as I would like? Probably not, but He will remove me when the time is right. But I know that I can't deal with this without Him. I MUST depend on another...and that other (for me) needs to be my Heavenly Father.
I need to treat and deal with my emotional (and other) issues as though I am in quicksand. I need to be still and allow God to work and help me. Because if I don't, and I continue to "fight" my issues, I will only sink faster and will definitely not go anywhere. Is this easy to do? Well, no! Not at all. But then another verse comes to mind: Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." It's not easy, but it is doable.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Letting Go
Here in my hands I'm holding on
To the thing that separates me from You
I'm not wanting to let go
But knowing that's what I must do
Knowing You want the best for me
Doesn't make it any easier
The pain I feel overwhelms me
My eyes are filled with tears
But if I am to allow You
To be Lord of my life
I need to let go of my desires
In the midst of this strife
So, Lord, I open my hands
This is the best I can do
Please take this thing
That separates me from You
(written 1/5/10)
To the thing that separates me from You
I'm not wanting to let go
But knowing that's what I must do
Knowing You want the best for me
Doesn't make it any easier
The pain I feel overwhelms me
My eyes are filled with tears
But if I am to allow You
To be Lord of my life
I need to let go of my desires
In the midst of this strife
So, Lord, I open my hands
This is the best I can do
Please take this thing
That separates me from You
(written 1/5/10)
Saturday, June 5, 2010
The 3-Step Lesson
Well, I was going to wait to share the 3-step lesson that I was taught over the past couple of weeks; however, my emotional rollercoaster hit hard last night, and I felt as though it was time to share the lesson with you. I needed to be reminded of it myself, and I think others may benefit from it as well. The 3-step lesson will be shared in three different posts. I will tackle one per day: "Quicksand," "The Question That Left My Mind Speechless," and "A Lesson In Pictures."
Since tomorrow is Sunday, I will probably not do my normal posting. I need to go to church in the morning. I haven't really been going regularly since October of last fall. I may not have been in church over the past 6-7 months (except a few times here and there), but God and I have been traveling a journey that He and I needed to travel alone. He has had a couple of people join us along the way, but the time came for those to leave this journey of mine. So, now it's just me and God again; however, it is time to rejoin my church family. So, I guess on Sundays I will just post a verse to share with you.
The 3-Step Lesson - What God has taught me through my struggles...
Since tomorrow is Sunday, I will probably not do my normal posting. I need to go to church in the morning. I haven't really been going regularly since October of last fall. I may not have been in church over the past 6-7 months (except a few times here and there), but God and I have been traveling a journey that He and I needed to travel alone. He has had a couple of people join us along the way, but the time came for those to leave this journey of mine. So, now it's just me and God again; however, it is time to rejoin my church family. So, I guess on Sundays I will just post a verse to share with you.
The 3-Step Lesson - What God has taught me through my struggles...
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
A Love Story - Part 1
Tami's Story
I can't believe I am sitting here in this dreary, plain white waiting room at two o'clock in the morning. We had such a wonderful evening celebrating our twentieth wedding anniversary. But now, I find myself waiting, wondering if I will ever have the chance to speak to my beloved one more time.
Oh, I remember the first time I ever laid eyes on him. He was so handsome. He had the smile that would melt your heart. And his eyes, oh his eyes, they were like pure clear blue glass. And when he spoke, it was like the glorious waves crashing against the rocks on the seashore.
We were at our high school homecoming dance. He was a senior, and I was a junior. I had never seen him before. I thought I was familiar with everyone at school, but this night proved me wrong. I spotted him from across the room. He wore the sharpest suit. It was black like the nighttime sky, but shimmered like the sun. His tie matched his gray shirt perfectly as though they were made from the same material.
As I stood there admiring this handsome young man, he started to walk in my direction. Could this be my lucky day? Could this fine handsome man be coming to see me, a plain ordinary girl? He did indeed come to me, and he asked me to dance. I thought I was in a fairytale. I imagined myself as Cinderella and he as my prince. He took me by the hand and led me along the dance floor. With his other arm around my waist, he guided my every movement. We followed the rhythm of the music - not too fast, not too slow. He looked me in my eye - as if to say, "Trust me." As though he knew I didn't know the steps. I had never danced before that night. I was nervous and not sure if I was doing it right. But somehow I trusted him. Somehow knowing he wouldn't lead me wrong. Knowing that he had my best interest at heart. As we moved across the dance floor, I felt safe - safe in his arms. I had no need to worry; no need to fear. He led with perfect precision making sure I was able to follow. The movements were soft and beautiful mirroring a love one has for another. It seemed as though we danced forever. Little did I know then, that he and I would be dancing throughout our lives together. That night, not only was he my first dance partner, but he became my life partner.
It was five years later, when we were finally able to get married. The wedding was so beautiful and so very special. He wore a bright white tuxedo with a red bow tie and vest, and I wore a semi-fancy white wedding gown. The bridesmaids wore simple yet elegant red dresses while the groomsmen wore gray tuxedoes with the red bow ties and vests. Everything matched so perfectly. The music we chose celebrated not only our love for one another, but also our love for God. In fact, the whole ceremony was a celebration of mine and Conrad's love as well as God's love for us. It was such a special day for all of us who participated, and it was a day I will never forget.
During our reception, we were able to dance for the first time as husband and wife. It took me back to the first time we met during that high school homecoming dance. Dancing with Conrad on our wedding day was just as special if not more so as the first time we ever danced together. He took me by the hand and led me along the dance floor. With his other arm around my waist, he guided my every movement. We followed the rhythm of the music - not too fast, not too slow. He looked me in my eye - as if to say "Trust me." For he understood that this was all new to me. I had never danced as his wife before that day. I was nervous and not sure if I was going to do it right. But somehow I trusted him. Somehow knowing he wouldn't lead me wrong. Knowing that he had my best interest at heart. As we moved across the dance floor, I felt safe - safe in his arms. I had no need to worry; no need to fear. He led with perfect precision making sure I was able to follow. The movements were soft and beautiful mirroring the love he had for me. It seemed as though we danced forever. We have been dancing forever as husband and wife for the past twenty years.
These past twenty years as Conrad's wife has been so very wonderful. I have never loved someone as much as I love Conrad. He has taken care of me from the first day we met. He has put my needs above his own. He has showered me with great affection and with great admiration. My life has been complete by having Conrad as my dance and life partner. I am so blessed to have him in my life.
Last night, we celebrated twenty years of marriage. He took me to this fancy expensive restaurant. He wore a fine looking gray suit while I wore the beautiful blue dress he had bought for me. We had such a lovely time together. We talked about the first time we met. We talked about our wedding day and how special it was. We even took time to reflect on the days each of our three children were born. As we ate supper, we just spent time reflecting and reminiscing about our lives together. It was so special. After we arrived back home, he asked me to dance. I have been living in my fairytale for the past twenty-five years since Conrad and I first met. I have been his Cinderella, and he has been my prince. As the music started to play, he took me by the hand and led me along the dance floor. With his other arm around my waist, he guided my every movement. We followed the rhythm of the music - not too fast, not too slow. He looked me in my eye - as if to say "Trust me." I did trust him. In fact, I have been trusting him for the past twenty-five years. I know he would never lead me wrong. Knowing that he has had my best interest at heart. As we moved across the dance floor, I felt safe - safe in his arms. I had no need to worry; no need to fear. He led with perfect precision making sure I was able to follow. The movements were soft and beautiful mirroring the love he has for me. It seemed as though we danced forever.
As we finished our dance, Conrad collapsed into my arms. He stopped breathing, and I couldn't find his pulse. I called for an ambulance hoping and praying that they would arrive in time to save my beloved Conrad. I have been here at the hospital for the past hour or so waiting to hear something. Waiting to hear if I will dance with my beloved Conrad once again.
Well, the doctor just came to tell me the news. My beloved has gone home to be with the Lord. As I sit here, reflecting on our years together, I wonder how I will survive without my beloved. How will I continue to live without my true love? I've never done this before. I don't know how to live my life without Conrad...without my beloved. How, Lord, do I carry on? How do I move forward? How will I be able to do this?
He takes me by the hand and leads me along the dance floor. With his other arm around my waist, he guides my every movement. We follow the rhythm of the music - not too fast, not too slow. He looks me in my eye - as if to say, "Trust me." For he knows I don't know the steps. I've never danced before tonight. I'm nervous and not sure if I'm doing it right. But somehow I trust him. Somehow knowing he won't lead me wrong. Knowing that he has my best interest at heart. As we move across the dance floor, I feel safe - safe in his arms. I have no need to worry; no need to fear. He leads with perfect precision making sure I'm able to follow. The movements are soft and beautiful mirroring the love he has for me. It seems as though we dance forever. We will dance forever as my Heavenly Father takes my hand and leads me along the dance floor.
(Written 3/18/10)
I can't believe I am sitting here in this dreary, plain white waiting room at two o'clock in the morning. We had such a wonderful evening celebrating our twentieth wedding anniversary. But now, I find myself waiting, wondering if I will ever have the chance to speak to my beloved one more time.
Oh, I remember the first time I ever laid eyes on him. He was so handsome. He had the smile that would melt your heart. And his eyes, oh his eyes, they were like pure clear blue glass. And when he spoke, it was like the glorious waves crashing against the rocks on the seashore.
We were at our high school homecoming dance. He was a senior, and I was a junior. I had never seen him before. I thought I was familiar with everyone at school, but this night proved me wrong. I spotted him from across the room. He wore the sharpest suit. It was black like the nighttime sky, but shimmered like the sun. His tie matched his gray shirt perfectly as though they were made from the same material.
As I stood there admiring this handsome young man, he started to walk in my direction. Could this be my lucky day? Could this fine handsome man be coming to see me, a plain ordinary girl? He did indeed come to me, and he asked me to dance. I thought I was in a fairytale. I imagined myself as Cinderella and he as my prince. He took me by the hand and led me along the dance floor. With his other arm around my waist, he guided my every movement. We followed the rhythm of the music - not too fast, not too slow. He looked me in my eye - as if to say, "Trust me." As though he knew I didn't know the steps. I had never danced before that night. I was nervous and not sure if I was doing it right. But somehow I trusted him. Somehow knowing he wouldn't lead me wrong. Knowing that he had my best interest at heart. As we moved across the dance floor, I felt safe - safe in his arms. I had no need to worry; no need to fear. He led with perfect precision making sure I was able to follow. The movements were soft and beautiful mirroring a love one has for another. It seemed as though we danced forever. Little did I know then, that he and I would be dancing throughout our lives together. That night, not only was he my first dance partner, but he became my life partner.
It was five years later, when we were finally able to get married. The wedding was so beautiful and so very special. He wore a bright white tuxedo with a red bow tie and vest, and I wore a semi-fancy white wedding gown. The bridesmaids wore simple yet elegant red dresses while the groomsmen wore gray tuxedoes with the red bow ties and vests. Everything matched so perfectly. The music we chose celebrated not only our love for one another, but also our love for God. In fact, the whole ceremony was a celebration of mine and Conrad's love as well as God's love for us. It was such a special day for all of us who participated, and it was a day I will never forget.
During our reception, we were able to dance for the first time as husband and wife. It took me back to the first time we met during that high school homecoming dance. Dancing with Conrad on our wedding day was just as special if not more so as the first time we ever danced together. He took me by the hand and led me along the dance floor. With his other arm around my waist, he guided my every movement. We followed the rhythm of the music - not too fast, not too slow. He looked me in my eye - as if to say "Trust me." For he understood that this was all new to me. I had never danced as his wife before that day. I was nervous and not sure if I was going to do it right. But somehow I trusted him. Somehow knowing he wouldn't lead me wrong. Knowing that he had my best interest at heart. As we moved across the dance floor, I felt safe - safe in his arms. I had no need to worry; no need to fear. He led with perfect precision making sure I was able to follow. The movements were soft and beautiful mirroring the love he had for me. It seemed as though we danced forever. We have been dancing forever as husband and wife for the past twenty years.
These past twenty years as Conrad's wife has been so very wonderful. I have never loved someone as much as I love Conrad. He has taken care of me from the first day we met. He has put my needs above his own. He has showered me with great affection and with great admiration. My life has been complete by having Conrad as my dance and life partner. I am so blessed to have him in my life.
Last night, we celebrated twenty years of marriage. He took me to this fancy expensive restaurant. He wore a fine looking gray suit while I wore the beautiful blue dress he had bought for me. We had such a lovely time together. We talked about the first time we met. We talked about our wedding day and how special it was. We even took time to reflect on the days each of our three children were born. As we ate supper, we just spent time reflecting and reminiscing about our lives together. It was so special. After we arrived back home, he asked me to dance. I have been living in my fairytale for the past twenty-five years since Conrad and I first met. I have been his Cinderella, and he has been my prince. As the music started to play, he took me by the hand and led me along the dance floor. With his other arm around my waist, he guided my every movement. We followed the rhythm of the music - not too fast, not too slow. He looked me in my eye - as if to say "Trust me." I did trust him. In fact, I have been trusting him for the past twenty-five years. I know he would never lead me wrong. Knowing that he has had my best interest at heart. As we moved across the dance floor, I felt safe - safe in his arms. I had no need to worry; no need to fear. He led with perfect precision making sure I was able to follow. The movements were soft and beautiful mirroring the love he has for me. It seemed as though we danced forever.
As we finished our dance, Conrad collapsed into my arms. He stopped breathing, and I couldn't find his pulse. I called for an ambulance hoping and praying that they would arrive in time to save my beloved Conrad. I have been here at the hospital for the past hour or so waiting to hear something. Waiting to hear if I will dance with my beloved Conrad once again.
Well, the doctor just came to tell me the news. My beloved has gone home to be with the Lord. As I sit here, reflecting on our years together, I wonder how I will survive without my beloved. How will I continue to live without my true love? I've never done this before. I don't know how to live my life without Conrad...without my beloved. How, Lord, do I carry on? How do I move forward? How will I be able to do this?
He takes me by the hand and leads me along the dance floor. With his other arm around my waist, he guides my every movement. We follow the rhythm of the music - not too fast, not too slow. He looks me in my eye - as if to say, "Trust me." For he knows I don't know the steps. I've never danced before tonight. I'm nervous and not sure if I'm doing it right. But somehow I trust him. Somehow knowing he won't lead me wrong. Knowing that he has my best interest at heart. As we move across the dance floor, I feel safe - safe in his arms. I have no need to worry; no need to fear. He leads with perfect precision making sure I'm able to follow. The movements are soft and beautiful mirroring the love he has for me. It seems as though we dance forever. We will dance forever as my Heavenly Father takes my hand and leads me along the dance floor.
(Written 3/18/10)
Friday, May 28, 2010
Beautifully Broken
I asked the Lord, "What does it mean to be beautifully broken?".
And this was His reply...
"My child, beautifully broken means that I see something beautiful in a life that's so very broken. I see the potential of a life so worn. I look into her eyes and see the pain that she carries deep within. I see her pain screaming, so desperately trying to get out. She is so very broken, but yet, I can still see her beauty. I still see the masterpiece that I created. I am the Potter. You are the clay. I created you so full of beauty, so full of life. You were beautiful to Me, and you still are. But Satan took you and threw you down. You broke into many pieces, but that wasn't enough for him. He kicked you, stomped on you, and made sure your broken pieces became too many to count. You became so very broken. But you're still beautiful to Me. You're beautiful because I made you. You're beautiful because you're Mine. I don't see the broken pieces, but rather I see the masterpiece I created. I planned you. I wanted you. But Satan wanted to hurt Me, so he destroyed you. And he left you to die. And you have been dying ever since. But you're still Mine. And I still want you. And I still love you. You may be broken, but you're still beautiful to Me. I will pick you up piece by piece for as long as it takes, and I will so delicately and so tenderly put you back together until you are whole once again. My child, you may be broken into zillions of pieces, but you are still beautiful to Me. And I will always love you for all eternity. My child, being beautifully broken means that God takes a life who is so broken, just as she is and transforms her into pure beauty so that the world can see His wonderful glory through this transformation. I take you just as you are - broken, battered, and worn - and I transform you into My beauty and into My image. My child, my precious child, yes you are so very broken, but you're beautifully broken to Me."
(Written 4/8/2010)
And this was His reply...
"My child, beautifully broken means that I see something beautiful in a life that's so very broken. I see the potential of a life so worn. I look into her eyes and see the pain that she carries deep within. I see her pain screaming, so desperately trying to get out. She is so very broken, but yet, I can still see her beauty. I still see the masterpiece that I created. I am the Potter. You are the clay. I created you so full of beauty, so full of life. You were beautiful to Me, and you still are. But Satan took you and threw you down. You broke into many pieces, but that wasn't enough for him. He kicked you, stomped on you, and made sure your broken pieces became too many to count. You became so very broken. But you're still beautiful to Me. You're beautiful because I made you. You're beautiful because you're Mine. I don't see the broken pieces, but rather I see the masterpiece I created. I planned you. I wanted you. But Satan wanted to hurt Me, so he destroyed you. And he left you to die. And you have been dying ever since. But you're still Mine. And I still want you. And I still love you. You may be broken, but you're still beautiful to Me. I will pick you up piece by piece for as long as it takes, and I will so delicately and so tenderly put you back together until you are whole once again. My child, you may be broken into zillions of pieces, but you are still beautiful to Me. And I will always love you for all eternity. My child, being beautifully broken means that God takes a life who is so broken, just as she is and transforms her into pure beauty so that the world can see His wonderful glory through this transformation. I take you just as you are - broken, battered, and worn - and I transform you into My beauty and into My image. My child, my precious child, yes you are so very broken, but you're beautifully broken to Me."
(Written 4/8/2010)
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